(Max Goldblatt is consumed with work on his Thesis film and was unable to write his column this week. Instead, his cousin has offered his analysis of this week’s films.)
When Max asked me to take over his column for this week, I was delighted to have the opportunity to be able to speak directly to the students of Wesleyan University. I have read Max’s column on the Argus website for some time and have been impressed by his careful analysis of films new and old. I’ve heard tell that Wesleyan’s Film Studies program is one of the finest in our fair country, and my cousin seems to be a shining example of why the program is held in such esteem. Hopefully one day, Max will become the next Michael Bay. I’m sure he can do it. My one problem with his column is that his frequent digressions into faux-poetics have recently been taking the place of any actual analysis of your Film Series titles. In fact, I’m pretty sure that he has not seen many of the movies in the Film Series. Nor does he go to the Film Series. He is, apparently, too busy. Well Max, to you I say: practice what you preach.
You tell the students to take advantage of the opportunity to be introduced to great new films, but the only things you take advantage of are freshman girls and parties where you can get drunk off of booze that someone else bought. I saw you at our last family reunion, and you were inebriated and hitting on my sister (also your cousin, also underage). As John Leo pointed out in his insightful article on your school, I think that the problem with Wesleyan is this “liberalism run amok.” So now, I will analyze this week’s films without lapsing into shitty free-verse and without talking about how attractive the actresses in the films are. I have seen these films and I will give you the truth about them. You pinkos may not want to hear it, but here I go. And if you’re wondering about my credibility, I have a BA in Film Studies from Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina. I am a Jew for Jesus and am in the process of legally changing my last name to Buchanan.
THIS WEEKEND IN THE CFA:
“The Corporation”
A “documentary” about how giant corporations are bad. Boo hoo. Did the corporations hurt your feelings? Since when has Nike done anything wrong? They make very comfortable shoes. And how can anyone call this stinker a documentary? It features interviews with Howard Zinn, Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore, three of the biggest, fattest liars around. I thought documentaries were supposed to be factual. Hello? Did anyone see “Fahrenheit 9/11?” I sure hope not. I won’t give my money to whiny liberal propagandist hacks any day of the week. It’s SOOOO OBVIOUS that this would play at Wesleyan. This school is like a training ground for half-assed activism. Okay, lemmings: base your anti-globalization arguments on this completely credible “documentary.” Fine by me. And it was co-directed by a woman. I rest my case. If you want to show a documentary, you should show a political documentary, you should show that one called “Michael Moore Is A Big Fat Idiot.” It’s hilarious!
“The Corporation,” Friday & Saturday, April 1 & 2, 7:30 & 10PM, CFA Cinema, $4.
SIMULTANEOUSLY AND FOR FREE IN THE SCIENCE CENTER:
FRIDAY: “Tales From The Winnipeg Film Group.” A bunch of oddball Canadians make a bunch of obscure short films and ask you to pay attention to them. BORING. We all know that all Canadians suffer from a total inferiority complex so they try to make films, but all they know up there is hockey and maple syrup. And the short film is a completely dead medium. Its SOOOOOO OBVIOUS that this would play at Wesleyan: It is recommended if you like Guy Maddin, David Lynch and John Waters. A gaggle of queers and eccentrics? I don’t think so. Not everyone should get to make a movie. And this stuff thinks it’s being innovative, but it all looks like lame old movies. If the Film Series wants to show something innovative, it should be “The Chronicles of Riddick.” The visual effects are mind-blowing.
SATURDAY: “Holiday.” This is supposed to be a classic screwball comedy, but its actually little more than thinly veiled propaganda from the first wave of the Classical Hollywood Era’s Gay Mafia. Think about it: Director George Cuckor was a flaming queer. Cary Grant was also a widely reported closet case. Katherine Hepburn? Well, she wore slacks instead of skirts, okay? You get the picture. It’s SOOOOOOOOOOO OBVIOUS that this would play at Wesleyan. If you want to show something “classic,” why not show a great old John Wayne picture like “The Green Berets?”
AND NEXT WEDNESDAY IN THE CINEMA AT 8PM:
“Yossi and Jagger.” This one’s about gay Israeli soldiers. Uh…
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