Dear students returning from abroad,
As you must know by now, leaving the country sucks because you never really know what’s happening back home in the States (United States). The media in most other countries is unreliable and biased, and I understand that some of you were even in places like Africa or Asia, whose primitive cultures still believe that television is a evil spirit. You’re probably wondering if you missed anything important while you were gone. Well, you did. A shitload.
POP CULTURE
Fall 2004 was a record-breaking time for awesome Hollywood movies, and you missed them. Audiences were thrilled by Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow, in which the captain turns his sky plane into a time machine andtravels to tomorrow, which is a whole different World! The movie was a seriously huge hit. People started saying “world of tomorrow” in place of “tomorrow,” as in, “see you in the world of tomorrrow!” It wasn’t easier to say, but it was fun to be part of an inside joke.
Another huge hit was Bridget Jones 2, which was the super megahit of Thanksgiving. America had Bridget Jones Fever! Actually, though, Bridget Jones Fever was a real disease which infected people who went to see the movie, and it would cause them to vomit blood, which is a truly terrible thing. The film grossed over $150 million.
POLITICS
The election happened and the nation was split into “blue states” and “red states.” The red states won because they had more freedom. The rest of the world gasped. You probably gasped too because you were in the rest of the world. People the world over wondered what goes on in Americans’ heads. The answer: a whole lot of rocking. ROCK!! Rock and ROLL!!!!!
WESLEYAN
We staged a protest that trapped Bennet in his office, and afterwards we were like, “shit, that was awesome!” Before long, trapping people in places against their will had become the fad of the semester. Some memorable highlights: activists trapped the Econ faculty in PAC because Econ is mad boring, the freshman class was trapped in Mocon because of the shitty meal plan, and some asshole trapped my car when he double-parked in front of my house. Also, a deer got trapped in a bear trap, but this happened in some forest somewhere and isn’t technically part of the Wesleyan fad.
In closing, fuck you. While you were lying on a magical black-sanded beach and soaking up the wisdom that can only come from meeting someone named Verta, I was doing homework in Connecticut.
Love,
Adam.
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