Graduation ceremonies are long and boring, and no one really likes them. College graduation ceremonies are particularly unpleasant, because they are not just a rite of passage but effectively a ceremonial boot in the ass. So it would seem to make sense that every person only has one. But as much as we, the members of Wesleyan Students with Awkward Family Situations (WeSWAFS), understand that no one looks forward to sitting in the sun for three hours waiting to receive the world’s most expensive square of parchment, we would like to request that this year Wesleyan hold not one, but two graduation ceremonies.
You see, many students at Wesleyan have what we like to call Awkward Family Situations. Imagine trying to emit an acceptable post-graduation glow while fixated on the fact that as soon as the ceremony ends, you must go to a cramped restaurant where your ex-step-mother will underhandedly compliment your mother’s new “youthful” hair color while your grandfather and stepfather try to get your father’s girlfriend drunk. Every once in awhile, someone will try to break the tension by asking you, “So what are you going to do now?” In other words, people who hate each other will all be asking you the question that you hate. These people were never meant to be in a room together to begin with, and they never would have been if it were not for Wesleyan’s graduation.
Many of us have separate Christmases, Hanukkahs, Thanksgivings, even Halloweens. Why not separate graduations? They could be called “Graduation A” and “Graduation B.” Or, perhaps to reduce any sense of competition, “Red Graduation” and “Black Graduation,” like Add/Drop periods. Stepgrandma could go to one, and your estranged father could go to the other, and all could feel that they played an important role in your fucked up life.
WeSWAFS has no formal meetings, since our numbers are too large, but we have formed an informal support group. For more information, contact mmccarron or lrlevy, or search for the WeSWAFS group on thefacebook.com.
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