I’d be misrepresenting myself if I didn’t admit right away that I was dreading coming back to school. Have you not been good to me Wesleyan? Have you forsaken your poster child of enthusiasm? Oh, the blissful monarchy of education—do you accept me? Academia seemed particularly dreadful after working with 7th graders all summer; after being a teacher, why would I want to be a student again? How could I possibly spend hours meditating on philosophy? My spirit was aching for something concrete and hands-on. Being the reigning Senior Kings and Queens just wasn’t cutting it yet.
And to add insult to injury, the season of monarchical rule had been overturned by administrators. So when I said we were Kings and Queens, it appeared I was lying.
We don’t rule this campus. In fact, we aren’t even a voice. I guess I should clue the frosh in right away to the unilateral decision-making that our administration has been so keen on lately. In case you haven’t been notified, Wesleyan’s administrators, while individually siding with students, have gone behind students’ backs countless times in the past couple of years. Some examples include eliminating Malcolm X House as a housing option for frosh and overturning the Queer Subcommittee’s coordinated efforts with ResLife to set up gender blind housing.
Bow down to the pretty trustees and their shiny bling! (i.e. $$$.)
Somehow the administration has decided that since some of the frosh were confused about gender blind housing, they should eliminate it altogether. The best part though is that they believe and say that it’s been “partially implemented” because they allowed all the students who were randomly placed with people of their same biological sex to stay together.
Yes, even though four students chose gender neutral housing and recognized its implications, the administration decided that four students weren’t enough to worry its pretty little head. Well if four students aren’t important enough, I can’t imagine one student would be. The administration is doing a great job of showing how much it cares about individuals. Would 10 students have been enough? How about 30? At what point does student interest go from “special interest” to “legitimate interest?”
However, thefacebook changed everything. And I realize that we Senior Kings and Queens reign over another world: I am blissfully excited to own this campus via thefacebook.
Thefacebook is an online service that allows students from colleges across the country to find each other, friendship, and maybe even love. Of course it is also a perpetuator of our favorite norms, having only two categories for gender and not allowing people to have multiple partners, so once again students who fall outside of these boxes feel isolated and ignored. Yeah!
But at least you froshies have been off to a romping, fertile start, stamping out your land, razing your territory. Your turnout on thefacebook.com mauled us upperclassmen. You were like foxes full of cunning and speed! Like thumping bunnies full of raw sexual energy! Like carnivorous lions full of desire!
I, on the other hand, piously poked around thefacebook and noticed a few things, the principal one being that not a single thing has been said about it by other college campuses (trust me, I read about 15 of the articles). I was snoring (okay, except during the one by a pretty clever girl from UChicago); the only shred of engagement lay in one paragraph, which I will paraphrase: Sociologists have begun studying Chatroom—ventually they’ll probably get to thefacebook. I am fascinated that some academic is sitting around on the internet reading 12 year old teeny bopper messages in chatrooms.
Oh wait, that’s how it was before, only instead of calling it research, we called it pedophilia!
Okay, so I’m being dramatic because I can’t imagine any rich knowledge being gained from such social phenomena as Instant Messenger and thefacebook (though I admit, the idea of doing a thesis on these topics has crossed many of our minds—hell, we’ve already written 5000 pages on-line; why shouldn’t we write 100 on on-line?).
The reason I like thefacebook is simple: no one has any idea we are stalking him. That is, unless you’re one of those jocky frosh men whose friend count on thefacebook already numbered 25 before arriving on campus; then I think we all have plenty good idea who’s stalking whom. I guess I need to enumerate the characteristics of these 25 souls: generally they are a pack of 22+ beautiful women. How charming that all the attractive people have been able to find each other before school even starts! How delightful that the prowling heterosexual male can “poke” a frosh woman who is oh so eager to make friends at the scary College Monster! These frosh have ruined the secret for the rest of us by being so “inclusive.”
So, back to the drama of dreading this semester. Thefacebook has been a guiding light, a source of inspiration and wonder. Although the idea of coming back was daunting, when I saw all the precious faces of future Wes students, it rekindled my interest in the old Wes students, and furthermore the sheer unifying power of thefacebook—of course beauty, too, because let’s face(book) it, we’re a sexy bunch—have made me excited. Yeah, so thinking about senior cock(tails) helped a bit too. And my lovelies at 115 Cross, they were integral (props to Jessica Jacobson for helping with the Roving Reporter!). And maybe even Sergei from the Language Lab and his dog Mona.
Okay, so it boils down to the fact that frosh will never change, and that’s relaxing. Bunch o’ randy-ass hornballs. Go get’em tigers. Hunt for the women-folk, club them over the head, ravish them with your virile manhood, beat your chest, and yell with strength and vigor. Expose your masculine powers!
That is still how straight people talk, isn’t it? I hope so, because I can’t handle any more changes.
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