As these next few weeks progress, there are a series of lasts that will come and go, never again to return. Some are little ones… last class of the semester, last paper of the year, last drunken hookup of the night. Others are a little more monumental… the last time you sleep in your awesome room, the last time you wake up to your roomie’s last drunken hookup, the last weeks you get to tell people that you are in college. Here at the Ampersand, however, we are seeing some truly earth-shattering lasts… Sascha, Devra, Jacob.
It’s official, our three seniors are graduating, and that means the end of the most spectacular season of Ampersand on record (our record, at least). Guys… it’s been great. Sascha was the best coeditor I could have asked for. He ran his own harem of writers, whipped them into shape, and sent the finished product to our offices from the field. When he did come in for layout nights, it was with whiskey in hand and good cheer wafting off his already tipsy breath. In a pinch, Sascha could always be counted on to produce giant masses of text to fill any gaps. Sometimes it even made sense. My only regret is that we never actually managed to work in jokes about Hardwick. See you in Burlington some day, Sascha.
Jacob is Sascha’s amazing right hand man… fast on the keyboard and always ready should a spontaneous circle jerk take place. Jacob bridges the techie-athlete gap and legitimizes our Hitler jokes. He had his fingers in all of our best stuff, even when we forgot to put a byline on it. In any case, Jacob was the most shouted-out to writer on the staff this year. You may see him walking around campus next year working for the man. Jacob, if you have to work for the man, then I want you to know that Admissions is the nicest man you could work for. If you decide to write for us every once in a while, I promise not to make fun of you for being one of those lame alums who can’t let go. Your byline will be “Jacob ‘Martin Benjamin’ Robinson,” though.
And last but certainly not least (especially in her amply endowed areas), Devra… my dear Devra. Market research shows that sexually frustrated women in their late teens and early twenties are one of the most rapidly growing sectors. If it weren’t for the fact that we come bundled with the Argus, Devra would have been responsible for moving the majority of our copies. The critics called her, “Smart, sexy, and sassy.” We called her Devra, and sometimes Hotstuff. Devra, your ability to milk an entire year of articles out of one basic topic astounds me. You covered all the angles, kept it hilarious the whole time, and submitted way ahead of deadline. I know you had something else going on, but if you had submitted a collection of your pieces to my thesis reader, it would have gotten high honors. And I mean every entendre of that.
This is our last issue working with all of you, and it’s really been an amazing time. The Ampersand would like to congratulate you on completion of four of the best years of your lives, and may you have many more. Keep in touch, stay funny, and send us gift certificates if you wind up working any place that sells food. Or rents videos.
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