Having spent the past week enjoying some time off, I am happy to announce my return to sex. Notice how I didn’t say triumphant return? That would imply that I actually had sex. Nope, still hasn’t happened. Still celibate. But, I am making a comeback to thinking about sex. Why the sudden return? Many factors went into making this very hard decision.
The temperature last week was quite warm and pleasant. I witnessed the Wesleyan female population discovering the many ways in which to wear as little clothing as possible. Small t-shirts have been cut and re-fashioned into smaller pieces of fabric, hung strategically over the breastal region. Why bother? Because anything less would just be slutty. I noticed many fine male specimens removing their shirts at any given opportunity. Having spent most of my time out on the Hill, I was overwhelmed by the sea of breasts and shirtless boys. What else could I think about? The sexual tension out there was more than I could stand.
I have also decided to come out of my previous sex retirement due to this time of the year. Classes are winding down, spring fever is rampant, and thoughts are turning to Wescam. (Wait, let’s take a moment. Ahhhh, Wescam. Sigh. Ok, back to the article). EVERYONE IS SO HOT! That pun was intended. Indeed, the lack of cold weather has brought the student population out of hibernation, with far less clothing on, to boot. I look around and can’t help but notice how many attractive people there are around here. Whew. I get flustered just thinking about it. I anticipate every sunny afternoon. Hooo doggey. Oy. (Alright, one more moment….Geez louise…ok, back to the article). So, needless to say, it was impossible to stay away from sex, or the potential thereof.
Now, the Amper editors have expressed a desire for me to publish my Wescam list. This past week, I have tried to form a list. I spent much time on the Hill and found many potential lust objects. Unfortunately, none of them came with name tags, and I am too much of a chickenshit to actually go up and ask for names on my own. Then, I looked for inspiration on Wesmatch, thinking that I could simply list my top ten matches for each class. However, according to the Wesmatch rulers, I am not really compatible with anyone. At least, not compatible enough to justify me blindly listing random people.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do have a preliminary list. However, much can happen between now and the time Wescam begins. I don’t want to leave anyone out. I also have not done enough reconnaissance work on potential Wescam objects, and I don’t want a bevy of angry girlfriends coming after me. Additionally, there are a few boys whom I only know by the nicknames I have given them over the years. So, if you are cute Weshop boy, cute boy in front of Campus Center, cute Olin boy, cute ultimate frisbee boy, cute dance major boy, or cute boy I always run into and smile awkwardly at, please introduce yourself to me. Otherwise, how can I put you on my list? If I have ever drunkenly hit on you, consider yourself on the list. If I have ever attempted to make awkward conversation with you, there’s a good chance you’ve made it as well.
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