Love Dentist!!!!!!

Hello All,
It’s that time of year…. With the rain drizzling outside, and freshmen finally maturing after nearly a year at Wes, we’re all looking for a cuddle buddy. Why is it so damn tough?! Forget the Office of Behavioral Health—make an appointment with the Love Dentist, and walk away with a smile. Here are this week’s queries…

Dear Love Dentist,
I’m obsessed with a boy who doesn’t know who i am. how can i get his attention without freaking him out?
— Crushin’

Dear Crushin,
Honey, we’ve all been there. There’s nothing like an unrequited crush from afar that gives you a reason to go to that boring 9 am class and actually shower beforehand. Though these are fun, it’s very easy to imbue this unknown person with traits they don’t really possess, such as sanity. To help keep things in perspective, I suggest you visualize the following: Next time you see him, just think to yourself “EVERYBODY POOPS.” Cause it’s true. Excretion is the great equalizer. No matter how hot someone is, they’re not all that when they’re sittin’ on the crapper…. Unless you like that sorta thing (and in that case, more power to ya). Once you imagine him pooping, he’s just like everyone else, and you can strike up a normal conversation. Poop on.
Gingivitis,
The Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,
My ex-girlfriend is stalking me. how do I tell her she’s fucking crazy without having her attack me with a knife?
—talked

Dear Stalked,
Damn, your milkshake is so tasty that this girl won’t leave the damn yard! To get this person out of your George Foreman, you may have to turn the tables and play it like you’re the one with the problems. Say you need some space; though you think she’s great, a friendship’s not going to work right now. If this doesn’t work, holla at P-Safety and get some surveillance. Floss out that plaque!
-Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,
There’s this guy that I’m kind of into. I’m starting to get nervous that I’m putting myself out there too much and that, in addition to being shy, he’s just not interested. Do you have any advice as to how I can find out if he even likes me as a person without becoming a 7th grader and relying on rumors and friends of friends? Thanx.
—rustrated on Fountain

Dear F.O.F,
Next time you see this alleged “shy guy,” just say, “Yo! You wanna spoon or what?!” If he says no, move on, and find another prospect. If he says yes, break out the down comforter and have some love soup with that spoon! No matter how shy someone is, they’ll be psyched if someone they like reciprocates those feelings. They’ll probably be grateful they didn’t have to do any damn work. Make it happen, cause you’re fabulous!
Keep it Aquafresh,
Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,
What do you do when every guy you’ve ever liked is an ASSHOLE? Even now, as I study abroad in Prague, I can’t find a little foreign man looking for a “green card,” if you will. What do I do?
—uzzled in Prague

Dear Puzzled,
First of all, Eastern Europeans are a cold peopl—don’t take it personally. However, if you have a trend of finding cuties who aren’t good to you, we need to work on this. Read and repeat: EYE CANDY WILL ONLY GIVE YOU MENTAL CAVITIES!!! Try a guy who doesn’t seem “your type,” and you’ll find a hidden gem dying to shower you with affection. Be patient and open. If you give a holla, someone is bound to holla back! Change your toothbrush every 3 months!
-Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,
If I’m vegan can I still swallow?
—urious about Cum

Dear Curious,
HELL YES!!! Though it doesn’t taste yummy, it definitely ain’t meat or dairy.
Molars,
Love Dentist
P—Eat a damn chicken sandwich, you dirty hippie.

Dear Dr. Love Ph.D.,
I have been kissing this girl on the mouth for about 2 months now. We have little to no spark…. I feel like we have reached a stasis point. Can the relationship remain just that without the “ ‘ship” coming in?
—Bored but Horny

Dear Bored,
Though I am a certified dentist of love and other things oral, I do not like the “Ph.D.” added to my name. I certainly don’t have a Playa-hatin’ Degree, and I don’t want future clients to get confused. To address your query: You can continue kissing this girl on the mouth as long as she feels the same way you do. If she has deeper feelings, please sac up and tell her how you feel, or you’ll have a crying psycho hose beast on your hands and it will be all your fault. And if she does end up severing the ties, remember that “’ships” sail in and out of the harbor regularly… they’ll be another gal soon enough.
Interproximal Brush,
Love Dentist

Dear Love Dentist,
Why are Jewish boys so hot all the time?
-Crazy for Jew

Dear Crazy,
This is a question I often ask myself. Considering they need to change the nickname of this place to “Diversity Jewniversity,” it’s a wonder we haven’t all converted. And with Passover coming up, I know I’d like a bite of kugel and a taste of that brisket! For serious, though, the Jewish boys are hot for the same reasons that Eastern Europeans are cold—it just happens. Honey, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth—just be thankful there are attractive people to look at and a reason to go to temple! Baruch ata Adonai!
-Love Dentist