Disclaimer: These are all true. Seriously. My mother actually said these things.
“Don’t have sex on the kitchen table. It hurts.”
“Make sure the boy goes down on you before you go down on him.”
“I always found that sleeping over and spending the night with a boy gave the relationship more importance. I usually just got up and left afterwards.”
ON THE DELICATE TRANSITION TO WOMANHOOD:
Me: Mom, I had sex.
Mom: Oh. Well, what’d you think?
ON CONTRACEPTION:
Me: Mom, after giving it a lot of thought, I think I’m going to go on the pill.
Mom: Oh, OK. I completely understand.
Me: You do?
Mom: Yeah. I mean, I went to college too you know. When you get drunk, you want to have sex!
ON NUTRITIONAL BREASTFEEDING SUPPLEMENTS:
Me: Mom, when was the last time you smoked pot?
Mom: I don’t know…Sixteen, seventeen years ago?
Me: Mom, I’m eighteen.
ON LEARNING:
“I guess I did coke a few times when I was younger. But that was before we knew it was addictive.”
AND ONE LAST ONE FROM MR. LOBEL:
“Yeah, I smoked dope a few times when I was younger. I never really liked it too much, but the choice was either smoke dope and get laid or don’t smoke dope and go home alone.”
A match made in Heaven.
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