“Violence is not the answer!”
Bullshit. If there’s one thing that being raised by Nintendo has taught me, it’s that violence is, on occasion, the answer. The following is a guide for the experienced combatant who may sometimes have trouble with social situations outside of the ring. There’s hope for you yet, Liu Kang.
Fireball from the Hand (slide up from down to forward, punch): The “hadoken” fireball is known for being badass, but if you use a weak punch, the fireball moves slowly and doesn’t take away that much life. If a professor is boring, or talking too softly, this is a good way to get them to stay on their toes without causing too much damage.
Flying Bicycle Kick (hold high kick for 5 seconds, release): This shit is raw. It’s brutal. Good for winning arguments. For example: my housemate says Punch Drunk Love wasn’t that good, then I say it was, then he says it wasn’t, then I fly through the air and kick him in the face twenty times.
Harpoon in the Chest (forward, forward, punch): This move is generally performed as follows: thrust harpoon into opponent’s ribcage, yell “get over here!” and yank opponent over to you. If you are going to use this to meet people at parties, though (which I recommend!), I suggest being less forceful with your language. With a potential friend tethered to you by a spear in their chest, you can be more low-key, and ask them about music and stuff instead of Gestapo-ing them around.
Superman Lunge (back, back, forward): A lot of people dread trying to pick up a package in the campus center immediately after lunch, when there are a million people trying to do the same thing. These people have never heard of the Superman, whereby you fly horizontally through the air, fists out in front of you. It cuts right through a crowd. When the guy with the funny hat does this in Mortal Kombat he yells something, possibly in Hebrew; I would definitely suggest developing your own battle cry to go with the technique, in the Semitic language of your choice.
Spinning Piledriver (I have no idea how you do this): What happens is, you grab your opponent’s legs, holding them upside down with their head between your thighs. Then you jump about ten feet in the air and spin around a bunch of times before landing in a sitting position on their skull. I have never been able to do this. Obviously it takes great practice, and if you can figure it out then, well, there are obvious sexual implications. Go nuts.
Ice Projectile (down, forward, punch): You shoot a ball of ice out from your hand, and it freezes your opponent for about five seconds, during which you can pretty much do with them what you please. Some say this is a great way to play a practical joke, but I’ve used it to get out of a lot of awkward conversations. Just yesterday I ran into this guy from my freshman hall, who I barely ever talked to, and we started talking about Survivor, of all things. I’ve never even seen Survivor. It was one of those situations where you wish you could turn the person you’re talking to into a huge block of ice for just enough time for you to bolt. To my credit, I did.
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