A Letter

Dear Person-Who-Will-Please-for-the-Love-of-All-Things-Holy-Hire-Me,

I need a job. You may ask yourself, “Well, whoop-de-freakin-doo, so do the ten thousand other people applying for this job.” True, this is a statement and not a question. I will forgive you for that. I’m sure those other applicants are all fine, wonderful people with dazzling smiles, rapier-like wits, and reliable reproductive organs. And smart. Yes, we are all quite smart, aren’t we? Maybe. But I’m far superior. I have attended a fancy-shmancy liberal arts school and have a B.A. to show for it. I am fully qualified to do menial tasks and be your bitch.

Would you like some coffee? I am really good at getting coffee, or whatever beverage you might desire. Over the course of my college career, I have mastered the art of filling a ceramic mug with caffeinated liquid. Lactose intolerant? I will go the distance to make sure that your milk is lactose free, if there is any lactose-free milk in the area. And if not, I will not call you a lactard within earshot.

I am also very good at taking down your lunch order. Not only will I remember whether or not you prefer yellow or spicy mustard on your low-carb sandwich, but I will also write it down, in order to remember to remember it. Nor will I drop the sandwich on my way to delivering it to your hungry self. It will remain safely nestled in the warmth of my bosom from the moment it leaves the sandwich maker’s hand ’til the moment it reaches your office. I will even slide it under your door, in order not to disturb your very important work. On a plate, if this is your wish.

Answering telephones is no problem for me. Indeed, it is as if I have been in training to be your unofficial receptionist all of my life. I have often been complimented on my phone manners, using “Yeah?” instead of “What the hell do you want, you asshole? Go to hell! You smell like trash!” to greet callers.

I will wear short skirts and pick up your dropped pencils. Or soap. Or anything else that should find itself on the floor in your vicinity. While this task may seem small to many other applicants, I realize the full importance of me bending over in front of you. Picking up objects is no problem for me. I am quite flexible. In addition, I will wear low-cut and/or see-through blouses upon request. If you wish to inquire further regarding my flexibility, I will be open to your questions. That pun is intended.

What separates me from my peers is not my superior intellectual ability, organizational skills, professional ambition nor my prior job experience as a Bra Specialist at Victoria’s Secret. It is the fact that I have been training all of my life to be your very own personal doormat.

<3 Devra

P.S. The other applicants may seem to have brilliant smiles and reliable reproductive organs, but in fact they have capped teeth and their children are adopted.