So last week, Mattel decided that after 43 years of plastic, non-genital love, Barbie and Ken were going to be “just friends.” While this may seem like just a stupid, stupid marketing ploy, it is very serious and very true. Our hearts, like the hearts that no doubt inhabit the hollow plastic chests of Barbie and Ken themselves, are broken. It ruined our Valentine’s Day, even more than not having significant others in real life. To cope, here are some reasons that these two might have decided to end their corporate fairytale. So long, Barbie and Ken, but remember: make up sex is the best sex.
· Convertibles obviously just compensation for lack of sexual organs
· Inability to take Barbie anywhere; always falling over
· Tired of living the lie of sleeping in Barbie’s DreamBed, Ken finally came out of Barbie DreamCloset
· Crippling paralyzing arthritis rendered joints immobile, lack of penis a non-issue
· Ken unwilling, unable to change underwear for 43 years
· G.I. Joe much more attractive in post 9-11 America
· Barbie tired of Ken’s baby-smooth legs, underarms, chest
· American Girls all grown up
· To be more edgy, Ken dating only Flavas
· Plastic breasts finally sagging
· Barbie finally old enough to date Ashton Kutcher
· “Fuckbuddies” seemed fine, too
· Barbie careers: 57; Ken careers: 0
· Ken suspicious of where all those babies came from
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