In light of the recent allegations against the Duke University men’s lacrosse team, newly appointed Dean of the College Kobe Bryant, with the support O.J. Simpson, the new university president, held a workshop for all Wesleyan athletes so problems like this never arise at this university.
“After seeing what happened at Duke I was appalled,” said Simpson. “I want to make sure none of our athletes commit such heinous crimes…or at least get caught.”
With plenty of funding for athletics from the new administration the workshop brought out an eclectic collection of sports superstars to tell Wesleyan athletes everything from alcohol is bad to professional wrestling truly is real.
Cross-country runner Alex “Stiffy” Battaglino ’07 was strongly affected by the comments of Jose Canseco, speaking on steroid abuse. “When he showed us his testicles, I knew there was a problem. They were even smaller than mine.”
Canseco, along with former future hall of famers Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds found that many Wesleyan athletes failed to heed their message.
“After being pelted with copies of Juiced and syringes, we decided that we had to take matters into our own hands,” Canseco said.
With the permission of the new athletic director, Dwight Gooden, Bonds, Canseco, and McGwire raided the locker rooms looking for steroids and other substances.
“We were really disappointed in the cross-country and squash teams,” said an outraged McGwire. “How do they expect to really succeed by putting those substance into their bodies? Luckily we found steroids in the non-men’s rugby locker room. Unfortunately we also had to confiscate the penis pumps from the hockey locker room and tell them not to pour olive oil on the floor at Mocon again.”
Perhaps the wrestling team learned the most from the conference, as professional wrestlers The Undertaker and former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle visited them.
“We thought that Kurt Angle was going to tell us about the work we need to do to achieve our dreams,” said “Nasty” Nate Pritchett ’09. “But he took John ”Silverback“ Gottfried and power slammed him through a table.”
To add insult to injury, Angle drew penises all over Gottfried’s back, while the Undertaker taunted the other terrified Wesleyan wrestlers by yelling; “Greco-Roman or Scholastic?” while cackling at him.
Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry struck a chord with many students as well, speaking about how drug addictions can ruin a potentially successful career. Strawberry and Gooden admitted to using illegal substances while on the Mets, but explained that things spiraled out of the control while on the Yankees.
“Getting crunked in Monument Park, threesomes with Steinbrenner, things were crazy back then,” said Strawberry.
On the whole, athletes and administrators felt the workshop was a great success,“ Bryant said. ”I think our messages really resonated with students, but I forgot to mention to watch out for snakes, snakes on a plane.“
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