Foreplay: A Diva Discloses Her IUD Insertion Story

Come with me to get an Intrauterine Device (IUD) inserted inside my body at Planned Parenthood of Southern New England! This article is sponsored by my ex, who kindly drove me to and from the appointment.

Before we get started, let’s talk about IUDs. There are two kinds of IUDs available in the US: hormonal and non-hormonal. The hormonal options, including Mirena, Kyleena, and Liletta, release progesterone in your uterus to prevent pregnancy. The non-hormonal options, including copper IUDs such as ParaGard, do the same by causing an inflammatory reaction inside the uterus.

Side effects vary by type and brand, but one thing is common in all: once placed, you don’t have to worry about it for anywhere between 2 and 12 years. Life is worth living again. Although I was very anxious about acne as a side effect due to my past experience on the pill, I opted for Kyleena out of the hope that it would make my periods lighter and less crampy.

I’m a deeply fearful person. Stats-wise, I look like this:

Pain tolerance: 0/10

Fear of tenaculums (if you don’t know what that is, count yourself lucky): 11/10

Fear of injections: 9/10

Fear of blood: 8/10

Anxiety about hormonal side effects: 6/10

Not wanting a period anymore: 7/10

Not wanting children: 12/10

Having been on-and-off the pill for a few years, I realized that my forgetful personality and deep fear of childbirth (and the vaginal tearing that accompanies it), don’t really mesh that well. I would have gotten an IUD a long time ago had it not been for my fear of pain (see above), but there is no better time than the present. The nurse was probably thrilled to see me shivering in my chair with a thousand-yard stare when she walked in.

A week after hopping online to book an appointment, I was on my way to the great metropolis of Meriden to have this magical piece of plastic stuck in my uterus. I had recruited my ex-boyfriend to accompany me for a few reasons: he has a car, he offered to pay for food afterward, and it’s nothing he hadn’t seen before. Not to mention, I would have felt bad using a friend’s hand as a stress ball, but am less inclined to feel guilt about his suffering. Ex or not, you should definitely bring an emotional support hand/driver to your appointment.

After checking in at the front desk, a nurse told me to pee in a cup and went through my medical history. I requested a cervical block, which is a local lidocaine injection around the cervix, and we went over the potential side effects of this numbing procedure. She had me slide my pants off and get on the medieval torture device chair covered in paper (for decency, of course). And then the wait began.

The practitioner came in about 10 minutes later and was by far the best person that God could’ve sent to insert my IUD. She explained what was about to happen: “I’m about to numb your cervix with the cervical block. It will sting a little, maybe a 5 out of 10. You won’t see the needle. It will last about 5 seconds each, and I’ll do 3 injections.”

“Okay, three, two, one.”

“And five, four, three, two, one. Done!”

I cannot stress enough how helpful the cervical block was. I did not feel any pain after the injections. I couldn’t feel the actual IUD insertion. It was truly peaceful, until I slid off the chair and saw the blood on the paper towel. But still.

So, to recap, good news: I didn’t feel anything. Bad news: I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel the blood leaking out of my vagina until the lidocaine wore off approximately 3 hours later. Although the post-procedure bleeding was fairly light for me, only lasting about 48 hours, you should definitely bring a pad and a hot water bottle to your appointment.

The whole ordeal only took about 20 minutes, and I was partying by 10 p.m. (N.B. Don’t mix NSAIDs with alcohol). The cramping after the lidocaine lasted about a day, but was similar to a normal period cramp. The rest of the day was spent at a Sonic drive-thru, in bed, and at a friend’s pregame. Overall, the experience was an 8/10—while mine is definitely not a horror story, I remain horrified by the lack of research around pain management options for women. They also played Michael Jackson’s entire discography over the speakers during my visit, which wouldn’t have been my top choice, but c’est la vie. 

– IUD Diva

Hey Cards, Kitty here! If you have any essays, questions, comments, or anything you’d like to share, please consider submitting on the anonymous form below to be featured in a future Foreplay article!