HELP! I’m Trapped in a Student Newspaper!

HELP! PLEASE! Seriously, CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?? I’m not playing around guys.

I don’t know how I’m getting the paper to do this, you know, say what I’m thinking, but I don’t even know HOW I GOT STUCK HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Maybe it’s something to do with last weekend. I was coming back from Bar Night and I thought I could prank Thomas by breaking into the office, you know, leaving a funny note on the Argus’ famous printing press.

One second, I’m carving my name into the motherboard, and the next, BOOM!

HERE I AM! AND I HATE IT! Student journalism is good and all, but not when your corporeal form has been MUSHED TO PULP AND STAMPED WITH A TOOTHLESS THEATER REVIEW! AND ALSO A SECOND-TIER COMEDY SECTION!

What can even be done in this situation? Can someone call ITS or, like, Rabbi David? I HAVE THINGS TO DO! Places to be, people to meet, applications to procrastinate! I can’t be stuck in here, messing with a student newspaper.

That would be a bad use of time.

Liv Rubenstein is a member of the class of 2026 and can be reached at orubenstein@wesleyan.edu. Rubenstein is Editor-in-Chief of The John.