Dear Argus Readers,
We are pleased to announce the inauguration of a brand new sex column in The Argus, SafeWords. This column is dedicated to answering your most pressing questions about intimacy: Whether you can’t seem to “get it up” or don’t know how to “go down,” we’ve got you covered on all bases, so that you can get to third base. Let’s lay the foundation so you can…you get the idea.
Let us introduce ourselves: We are Birdy and Bea. As writers for the school newspaper, we know all about sexual intercourse. That’s why we’re bringing our expertise to you, dear reader. Though our gendered names might suggest a heteronormative relationship, we are not actually gendered beings, but disembodied space particles wandering through the aether. Bet you didn’t see that coming.
This first issue, we’ll be sharing anecdotes—call them hook up stories—about the most disappointing feeling when things get steamy: “Well, I’m really into you, but I can’t feel anything down there!”
Why does this happen to so many of us?
One reason for a “dry spell” is that you are on Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors—street name, SSRIs. By a conservative estimate, this is about 100% of Wesleyan students. A lackluster libido is a common side effect of SSRIs. At the moment, there is inconclusive evidence that SSRIs have any effect on sexual dysfunction. Daniel Bergner points out in The New York Times Magazine that seemingly very little research has been done into this question. But, he says, the medical community is beginning to move towards an acceptance of PSSD, or post-SSRI sexual dysfunction.
Birdy
Who cares what the medical community thinks. An answer many of us, including yours truly, have taken as truth is that SSRIs do inhibit sexual performance. The higher the dose, the greater the effect: I, Birdy, have seen the unsettling effect of forgetting to take your pills. Suddenly I start feeling like a pooch on the loose. I’m also on a relatively high dosage of Zoloft, and I’ve been taking it since the 3rd grade, so when I come off it, the effect is extreme.
One time, I was having complications. The other person simply said, “It’s okay, we can have fun. Nobody has to come.” That, I think, is the attitude we should all adopt. Diplomatic. If I wasn’t into you, I wouldn’t be in bed with you.
I do think it’s unfortunate that we must choose between mental and sexual wellbeing. I hope more work is done into this, because is our generation not the most notoriously horny of them all? I mean, we interact with adult content, softcore and hardcore, on our personal devices all the time. We read smut. We scroll past NSFW posts on social media. Pornography is widely accessible in a way never before in history. You can watch millions of videos of the nasty stuff on your phone at any second. Some say we are the most sexually free generation, and yet we have been all but neutered.
Bea
Welcome to Wesleyan, where every second person you meet is on SSRIs. (I’m kidding, obviously. I’m making that joke because I’m on Zoloft. Get that treatment if you need it, no shame!) SSRIs affect everybody in different ways. You’ll never meet someone who has had the exact same experience as you, especially with regard to sex. For example, I recently had a conversation with a friend about our latest sexual experiences. While my SSRIs have made it nearly impossible for me to orgasm, she has had no issues with being able to do so (which is SO unfair).
Not too long ago, my ex-partner and I had a conversation where he said that I don’t seem to enjoy penetration too much. After some time thinking about this, I realized that I can still feel aroused, but it doesn’t really translate well downstairs. You know what they say about the “motion of the ocean,” but there’s no ocean to begin with, which makes it pretty difficult if he’s looking to “invest the family jewels.” Apparently, this can be a side effect of SSRIs, but I had never heard of this, and I have read the side effect list at least a dozen times. (Every time I get my medication refilled, they give me a new one, just in case I forget) That’s the thing: There’s a list, but it isn’t truly comprehensive. I had heard that it can make it harder to orgasm and that it reduces libido, but there’s a whole host of other things SSRIs can cause that no one bothers to mention.
With that being said, we humbly offer our advice:
1. Talk to your partner
Maybe the most important piece of advice we can give: TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Whether this is long-term, short, or extremely short, if they’re a decent person, they should be able to understand the situation. If you’re just not feeling it, don’t push yourself to do something. It won’t be fun for you if you have to pretend you’re aroused or act like you enjoy something when you don’t.
2. Don’t skip multiple doses in hope of an orgasm
While Birdy might have a different opinion on this, I, Bea, will say that when I tried to skip multiple doses in hopes of an eventual orgasm (desperate, I know), it just made me feel depressed and anxious (ironic, right? I hope you can sense my sarcasm through the print/screen, wherever you’re reading this), and that clearly doesn’t help with feeling aroused either. Skipping multiple doses also obviously isn’t super great health-wise, as it can lead to this sneaky little problem known as Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome, which, according to the Cleveland Clinic, can have a variety of effects such as insomnia, nausea, dizziness, headaches, flu-like symptoms, mood changes, brain zaps, etc., etc…the list goes on and on. But you get the point—it’s not a worthwhile thing to do. Put yourself first, bae (kissy face emoji).
3. Make lube your best friend
For my girls, SSRIs can make you extremely dry down there, so to ease discomfort (and also to prevent injury—i.e. tears in the vaginal wall), it’s important to take precautionary measures.
4. Build the tension
SSRIs can make you feel really numb downstairs, especially for girls. For guys, it can be much harder to pitch that tent—if you catch my drift. As your humble writers (and friends) we recommend: FOREPLAY FOREPLAY FOREPLAY. Keep things flirty; whisper sweet nothings to your partner. Find different points of touch in order to create a feeling of arousal. Utilize those erogenous zones to your advantage! Stroke your partner’s back, inner thighs, abdomen. Tickle them. Maybe try a toy or two, to keep things interesting? So many options to explore!
Our final note: Sometimes it just plain sucks. We consider it important to first and foremost acknowledge this. Feeling frustration is perfectly normal, and it can help you begin to accept that at least for now, this is going to be your reality. There are times where it can feel like the buildup lasts forever or that there is a come down without any sort of release. But you can still have a good time and feel connected to your partner. And, while it isn’t the same, it can also be incredibly rewarding to have the ability to make your partner come even if you’re not able to. Pleasure comes in different forms (get it? comes?) and you can still have lots of fun. An orgasm shouldn’t be the goalpost, especially if there are chemicals in your body that are actively making it difficult to reach that state. And remember that the medication is there for a reason. While it can make the sexual experience frustrating, it’s still adding an important benefit to your life.
Until next time,
Birdy and Bea
P.S. Want to send a response? Have a burning question? A funny hook-up story? Further advice? Submit them in our anonymous form below for a chance to be featured in a future article! We know you want to 😉
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