To all students of the Wesleyan kingdom–
We, the regal residents of Pine Palace, are disappointed with all of you. Yes you. One night, we opened our doors to the common people of this kingdom and a tragic event struck our palacious abode. Our imperial library, graciously open to the colonized and the colonizers alike, was robbed of its pièce de résistance. That night, we lost not just a member of our fleet, but a member of our family. Through our tears, we read the evil pirates’ note, “we stole your fucking boat assholes. mutherfuckers. if you want it back… Wait.” For weeks, we have been pacing our solarium and majestic dining hall, mourning this loss. Without the divine inspiration of our stately ship, Aaron’s shakras are damaged; his naked break-dancing no longer lights up our lives. The vibrancy of Sarice’s queenly robes has been faded by her streaming tears. Josh, afraid of the wrath of the Gods, has started doing his dishes in penitence.
And then, our tears of sadness transformed into fists of rage. In a second, yet equally brutal act of savagery, the sister ship of our fallen leader was taken from the imperial library. We can no longer permit our household to be violated in this way. We have begun our investigations. Micah Weiss, like all our suspects, proclaims his innocence.
“I don’t even like these guys,” he said. “But I didn’t steal their ship.”
There is currently no evidence to prove otherwise.
Beware ye thieves of the high seas. When we find you, the stench of our revenge will permeate in every thesis carrel and echo in every solo cup across this great kingdom.
– Pine Palace
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