Dearest Argus,
I greet you with good tidings and a warning. My roommate is the infamous Ben Carman. The liar. That’s right, he’s lying to you. He has the H1N1 virus, and he has it real bad. We’re talking, like, oh my God, he’s gonna kill us all. He’s already tried to infect me. Don’t let this happen to you. He’s deathly contagious, and he wants to give you the virus. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT step within a 25 yard radius of this man if you want to live. It might be too late for me, but hopefully I can save some people with this. Oh, damn, he’s here.
Beware!
Your compatriot in arms,
Christopher Kaltsas
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