Dear Usdan,
Despite the fact that you’re unspeakably ugly, awfully designed, and a general shrine to the recently-established consensus that all obstacles to Wesleyan looking and feeling like a shopping mall should be removed, you do have one redeeming quality. When the line is too long at Pi in the morning, you’re an alternative where I can go for that all-important first cup of coffee of the day.
So today, when confronted with a monstrous line-up at Pi that would have made me late to class, I was actually happy to walk through your doors knowing the hot, powerful elixir that awaited me on the other side. But then I was met with a terrible surprise: Usdan, you have abolished the “large” size! While Pi still abides by the American Standard Size Taxonomy of 12 (small), 16 (medium) and 20 ounce (large) servings of coffee, for reasons which completely escape me you simply eliminated the 20 ounce option.
Let me make this perfectly clear: when you are dispensing coffee you are dispensing an addictive drug. As someone who has been drinking coffee in considerable quantity since starting high school, I know firsthand that the cost of access to coffee’s incredible life-giving powers is a serious physical dependency. While I’m not a doctor, long-term ER viewership has informed me that when dolling out dependency-causing drugs YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THE DOSAGE, READ ME? While 4 ounces might not seem like alot to some people, this is a crushing blow to those of us whose day truly rests on reaching and maintaining that optimal chemical composition that can ONLY come from consuming the appropriate amount of coffee at the appropriate time.
Therefore, please Usdan, bring back the large coffee. I’m sure there are more like me when I say, I need it. Perhaps we’ve been to busy shielding our eyes from direct sunlight, taking repeated 20-minute naps throughout the day, or drinking iced tea til our bladders burst to say anything about it, but we’re out there and we’re pissed. This is your warning Usdan, bring it back or you will be confronted with a critical mass of the most irritating and hard-to-deal-with populations on the earth today: undercaffeinated college students. I know you’ll make the right choice.
Sincerely,
–max
Leave a Reply