Unzip your pants, because the Eclectic Sex Party is going to blow your mindcock.
We’ll make you splooge way harder than the first time you ever watched porn on the Internet. It will be like that, but real. It will be like that, but with fifteen different monitors displaying fifteen different people doing it with fifteen different animals, and you’re tied to a table with your eyes taped open, and we’re rubbing our hard nipples against your chest.
A party without rules is better than a party with rules. Maybe. But then it’s like, how can you play tennis without a net? Or rackets? Or balls? Or love? You can’t. It’s impossible. So if life is a game (which it is), then the rules of the game for Saturday, Sept. 15 starting at 10 p.m. and ending at 2 a.m. are:
a) Get drunk beforehand. No containers allowed inside the house.
b) Dress to get fucked. Your wildest fantasies will come true, this night, I personally guarantee it.
c) Stuff some dollars down your drawers because we will have special pay-to-see events, the nature of which I cannot disclose in a family newspaper.
d) You must buy tickets in advance, sold Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, lunchtime and dinnertime, at the campus center. Re-entry prohibited, except up the ass.
Without a ticket and valid WesID, we cannot let you into paradise. Tears will fall, mine and yours, mingled, together, but the gods hold firm to these rules.
This is not yesterday’s Eclectic. We are faster, stronger, hotter, and under new management. Treat us right, and we’ll do you all night. Prepare for stories to tell your grandchildren, after oil runs out and no more plastic exists and we revert to hunter-gatherer society. Get it up, keep it up, and apologize to your girlfriend or boyfriend in advance. Because by the time we’re done with you, you’ll be screaming “Eclectic!!!” every time you cum for the rest of your life.
Sincerely,
Phi Nu Theta
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