Sheafs of unstapled problem sets litter the hallways of the Science Center. “Still no stapler at SciLi” was written forlornly across several. Irritated TAs and professors are beginning to slash grades down, down, down as they scrawl on papers and assignments “Must staple! No dog-ears!” The students can’t really be blamed. How can we staple when “THERE IS NO STAPLER IN SCILI (DON’T EVEN ASK!!!!)”? (To quote one of the four signs plastered around the first floor of SciLi.)
Why is SciLi the only building on campus that can’t keep ahold of its staplers? We have talked to several SciLi employees that wish to remain anonymous (fear of retaliation from the Stapler Bandit and fear of getting fired for Knowing Too Much). Last year, SciLi apparently invested heaps of money in a large fancy stapler which could staple hundreds of pages in a single clunk. It was broken, the chain was pried open, and it was swiped. Several less grand and imposing staplers followed the same pattern. Staplers have an average life span of three weeks in SciLi before someone gets a mad stapler craving and distracts the earnest employees while thrusting the latest addition into their bag.
Sources have told us there is a mysterious “stapler fund” in SciLi which is guarded closely by a non-student employee. She is sick of the thefts and is doling out no more stapler money. What kinds of trouble has this tight-fistedness caused the students? The stores we heard would move many to tears. Dave Levin ’97, member of the financially struggling rugby team (how can they get funding when all this money is tied up in staplers?) told us the following sad story.
“Once I was in desperate need of a stapler for an Econ. Paper. Sweating profusely and panting heavily from the stress (and unable to walk to the computer center), I attempted to use the stapler that was presently at the desk. It was broken and tore holes in my paper. I began to cry. I lost an entire grade for having rips in my paper (or maybe because it wasn’t written very well). SciLi has a long history of this. I go to Olin now. They are very generous with their working stapler.”
The fact that other buildings on campus have so many staplers at their disposal further highlights the strange going-ons in SciLi. IN the computer center, there have been no repeated incidents of attempted of actual stapler theft. Not only do the staplers lie unfettered in the Fishbowl, but three or four are scattered carelessly around the 24-hour public domain. “Sure people have been using them more than usual–but they don’t say where they are coming from,” said one worker. WE know where they’re coming from. The worker proceeded to gaily stale several unimportant-looking papers before tossing his stapler onto the floor. No respect for stapler here. Maybe more clues can be found at SciLi’s sister library.
Sparkly red staplers sit unchained in several locations in Olin. “Have you had a lot of extra demand for these staplers?” we asked a worker rat the circulation desk. “Well, no, but I just go there ten minutes ago,” she responded. Hmm. Heather Burke ’97, Olin employee and thesis-carrel resident, had the following to say. “After four years of tenure at Olin, I can say with all confidence there has always been a plethora of staplers here. Then again we never associate with SciLi and their maverick policies. I don’t approve of anything that goes on in SciLi. Their stacks are atrocious. That kind of thing wouldn’t cut it here. Those people don’t know how to use a bookend, much less a stapler.”
Why, we asked the workers, are SciLi stapler stolen, while Olin’s are left untouched? “There are more authority figures in Olin.” )She’s never had her Raspberry Newtons swiped by the SciLi food patrol, apparently.) “Liberal arts students are more honest than science students.” (Accepted by one author, rejected by the other.) “If something’s chained, you want to steal it.” (Psychology professors could not be reach ed for comment.)
Speaking of the chain, there are those at SciLi who believe it must be an inside job. “I think it’s sketchy,” one worker told us conspiratorially. “I don’t see how anyone could steal a stapler aside from someone who works here–especially late at night.” Another said “you need pliers to pry this chain open–like those used by the bike thief.” (!!)
Public Safety refuses to discuss the stapler problem. Captain David Meyer insisted “this is the first I’ve hared about missing staplers.” But the administration may be, in fact, deeply involved Flo Turkenkopf ’97, Residential Life employee, informed us that she once spotted eight staplers in the office of–yes, you guessed it–Denise Darrigrand. Think she left because of the housing mess? Ha!
Wesleyan may just be shooting itself in the foot by denying us access to staplers. CJ Powers ’97, one of many students who was recently forced to hand in unstapled work, confides he is “thinking about not contributing to the Senior Class Gift if this stapler scandal is not resolved.” Melanie Harned ’97 refuses to go to SciLi. “I have heard about the paucity of staplers there.” Dave Goldsmith ’97 has been reduced to toting around a personal stapler (but he doesn’t lend it out).
What does SciLi advise when the computer center is closed or you’re too weak with exhaustion to walk there? “There is lots of tape,” offers an employee. “Tape wouldn’t have helped me,” sobs Dave Levin.
It may be time for a staple-in. As one TA observed as she tried to match unstapled chicken-scrawl problem sets with their correct students “things just aren’t getting stapled around here.”
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