From the November 14, 1997 issue of the Argus:
Bitter. Confused. Pathetic. Restrained. Almost. Empty. Embryonic. Eats soup. Unfulfilling. In the doldrums. Distant. Dismal. Schizophrenic. Hunh? My hand. Let’s not go there. Booty-less. Battery-powered. Miserable. Run-of-the-mill. Nonexistent. Mechanical. The reason I don’t have ten free sessions anymore.
We’ve got a problem, folks. Our collective love life is dead. Aside from a conspicuous few (who shall remain unnamed for their own protection) most of us would not describe the state of our romantic affairs as “flourishing,” “sordid,” “exotic,” “scintillating,” or “gettin’ it on the regular.” Forget the Feminist Majority–we’ve got a Not-Getting-Any-Majority. And I’m not just talking about sex–there’s not much love in the air, no spice, no lift, no life! It has settled over us like a wet blanket–quiet desperation. We need a kick (or something) in the ass.
What are we waiting for? For that special someone to drop off the shelf and into our basket while we wander aimlessly around Weshop? Enough patience, enough hesitation! Enough being a pansy! Enough, enough, enough!
How many crushes do you have? Two or three party crushes, the dozen or so you see around campus, a couple from classes; about 35 all told? Just one? NOW IS THE TIME. Aren’t you longing for a special sweetheart to check mail with? To take the elevator in Olin with? To check out the exhibits by Sci Li with? To call porkchop? Do you want all the stupid old shit like letters and sodas? NOW IS THE TIME.
With apologies to whoever came up with last week’s half-hearted Get the Balls to Ask a Girl Out Day, we hereby announce the establishment of the first Get the Guts to Ask Someone Out Week. Yes, folks, it’s longer and non-gender-specific, and it starts today! Brothers, sisters, friends, lovers: Unburden yourselves, let loose your longing, do not be afraid! Ask someone out. Let them know (in that special kind of way) just how they float your Love Boat. Just say, “your gumdrop is spicier than a basket of seasoned fries,” or “your peapod is hotter than a mean-bean-burger.” (Okay, Chuck was hungry when he suggested those, but he swears they work, really.) Today’s youth are notoriously susceptible to the power of suggestion. If you ask them, they will come. Unsure whom to ask? Consider the following:
1. Emily Bronkeshj-Buchbinder
2. John Charles O’Neill
3. The authors of this article (separately or as a pair)
Look, at worst you’ll send someone into hysterics over the idea that you were foolish enough to think you might even have a chance with them–so everyone will point and laugh–don’t take yourself so seriously!
Life is short, but you can make the most out of this next week. As a wise hibachi chef once said, “ask your number one crush out by Thursday or you might lose your chance,” and that would be a real shame. Don’t wait, do not debate, don’t hesitate. In the words of the immortal social radical Jed Ela, “it’s not a joke unless you make it one,” so go get ’em, tiger. Save your batteries for a real emergency, get your hands out of your pockets, and stop your pathetic whining. Now is the time. Act. Ask. Make us proud.
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