From the February 25, 2003 issue of the Argus:
Protested an office party that was in action at Pip Printing. Associate manager of ink supply said, “It was just some cupcakes and booze. The stripper had yet to appear before we were lambasted as being far far too heteronormative. Hey, don’t lesbians dig pasties, too? It was a major buzzkill for Bob’s 38th birthday.”
Stood for what they believed in, because sitting down is just not as effective.
Made incoherent comments about “Busch tasting good.” When proud lesbians gathered in support, the seven misunderstood students were forced to clarify—it is cheep beer that tastes food. Pussy is only so-so.
Bought the debut album by 50 cent. When asked how the music made them feel, they responded “It was as if we’d been shot 9 times, just like 50. I swear, as a radical kid on this campus, and I mean radical as in totally cool, I could identify with all that was keeping 50 down. The beats were hot too.”
Initiated a campaign against all things that blow. Come to Meeting Room #2 in the Campus Center on Wednesday mornings for more information. Or contact Sarah Dunagan at HYPERLINK “mailto:RUserious@hotmail.com” RUserious@hotmail.com
Shared a bong until one Alisa O’Neal took three hits, when the pattern had been hit, hit, pass. Subsequently, six university students shared a bong, and Alisa found comfort in a solitary high while watching “Earth Girls are Easy.”
Found Deconstructionism to be entirely irrelevant to trying to get laid at Eclectic.
Spent hours making up an acronym for their new constituency of frustrated ugly kids without clout. When the irony of 33 virgins leading a club pronounced as F.U.K.C. became apparent, all other acronyms laughed their asses off and then lowered their heads in shame.
Peed on Friday, February 21, 2003. Later it was reported that over 2,678 other students participated in similar events that evening.
Pointed their finger at “the man” on some Hartford street because apparently, institutionalized education is part of “the woman.”
Attended the Vagina Monologues and realized, the Tushie Monologues might have a future here. No gender or sexual discrimination and a lot of nice asses make for 4 bucks well spent.
Mobilized for a failed class walkout against the war. When the disconnect between protesting the education you pay for and the war you don’t support was highly evident, the students all returned to Professor Slotkin’s class. Hours later they realized, he is more of a man than they will ever be.
Wrote gender-specific pronouns on the bathroom walls. When questioned all seven replied in unison, “Puffy did it.”
Politicized “The Simpsons” as offensive to all four-fingered people. Especially those with blue hair and raspy voices.
Read “The Argus” and wondered what kind of sparks would fly when university students gathered for something!
Next time the activity of seven university students is worth reporting on the front page, let us know. We had a rockin’ orgy last weekend that could dominate the headlines.
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