All right, here’s the deal. You guys fucked up.
I want to thank all the people who had a legitimate ticket and came to Eclectic to have a good time this last Sex Party. I’m really sorry for those of you who bought a real ticket and got turned away, but thank your asshole classmates. Every other ticket was a fake and we just couldn’t tell the difference. It really sucked a lot. I’d love to have everyone in the school come to our parties but our house just isn’t big enough. Deal.
For all of you who made fake tickets: SHAME ON YOU! For all of you who tried to break into our house and destroyed windows: SHAME ON YOU! For those of you who did not listen to us when we told you we were at capacity and tried to physically fight us to get into the party: SHAME ON YOU! For those of you who went away in ambulances or left your blacked-out friends in their thongs and pasties while you scissored: SHAME ON YOU!
You see guys, next week on Oct. 31 is the Halloween party. It’s going to be awesome. There’s going to be blood and guts and everyone is going to get laid. BUT if people try to sneak in again or make fake tickets or go away in ambulances, THE UNIVERSITY WILL NEVER LET US HAVE A PARTY IN OUR HOUSE AGAIN! They told me this to my face. Please don’t let this happen. Please let these awesome parties continue. Please let people get laid. Come on, that’s how babies are made. That’s what makes this country great (and tacos of course).
Here are the rules:
1) Come dressed up in something cool! It’s Halloween, for cricket’s sake!
2) There is no alcohol allowed in the party. Do not get black-out drunk. Do not go away in an ambulance.
3) There are only 275 tickets available. They will be sold in USDAN on the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday before Halloween at lunch and dinner. DO NOT MAKE FAKE TICKETS! We will know and tell your parents.
4) Do not break anything or try to muscle your way in. You will be sacrificed for the entertainment of everyone else at the party.
5) There is no re-entry.
Thanks Wesleyan. I knew you would understand. It feels so good to just get it all out there. Be sure to come to the party early because THE MISFITS are going to be playing at TEN. They’re this punk band from the 80s; maybe you’ve heard of them.
So long!
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