A Jewish student converted to Islam and changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He announced his sudden change of heart on WESU 88.1 FM last week.
“I had a vision, and in that vision Allah spoke to me, so I’m like the next Mohammed,” Abdul-Jabbar said. “No, I did not see the Holocaust in that vision. What kind of question is that?”
All six listeners of WESU were confused by Abdul-Jabbar’s comments and decision to convert to Islam.
“Abdul-Jabbar does not speak for the majority of Muslims,” said Muslim Chaplain Mahan Mirza. “We do not deny that the Holocaust took place. And he’s only been a Muslim for an hour.”
Rabbi David Leipziger had a theory on Abdul-Jabbar’s sudden conversion.
“Clearly he has brain damage,” Leipziger said. “Many, Many, MANY Holocaust deniers have brain damage.”
Even Reverend Gary Comstock, who has been busy writing another gay book, weighed in on Abdul-Jabbar’s conversion.
“Abdul-Jabbar was a lot of man, even when he played for the Lakers, but he was no Wilt Chamberlain” Comstock said. “Did you know that I’m gay?”
Abdul-Jabbar was reached for comment after the radio interview.
“I did not deny the Holocaust,” he said. “I simply did not see the Holocaust in my vision. I am not denying that it happened. In fact, I wish that it did not happen. And many, many, MANY Muslims feel this way. Those Germans were primitive savages killing mild-mannered Jews.”
Abdul-Jabbar was reached for comment by ESPN after he made that statement.
“No I do not think all Germans are primitive savages,” he said. “And I am not the NBA’s all-time leading scorer. My name change was merely a coincidence. Stop calling me. Go bother Jeff Maier.”
Later that day, Abdul-Jabbar went on to score 50 points in a pick-up basketball game in Bacon Field House against a predominantly Jewish team. Abdul-Jabbar led his team to a 99-7 victory.
“We’re still God’s chosen people,” said Isaac Goldstein ’69, a member of the losing team. “We’re just not very good at basketball.”
After the game, a car struck Abdul-Jabbar while he was walking and talking with Father Louis Manzo on Church Street, but he got up and walked away unharmed.
“It was miraculous, like in the Bible when the guy fell out the window at church and an apostle resurrected him,” Manzo said. “I think I saw the Virgin Mary rescue Kareem.”
Mary, of course, remained a virgin only until after the birth of Jesus. Mary and Joseph had sex, something the existence of their non-savior children proved, although Catholics often ignore this. But the existence of Pat Robertson proves that Protestant Christians, though they do not claim to actually eat pieces of Jesus on a weekly basis, are crazy.
After Abdul-Jabbar’s experiences, he announced yesterday that he was disturbed by the story of Abdul Rahman, the formerly Muslim man who converted to Christianity and was nearly put to death based on verses from the Koran. The courage of Rahman inspired Abdul-Jabbar, so he decided to change his last name to Abdul-Rahman, and he converted to Christianity. There is no word yet on whether or not he will face the death penalty.
“I sweartagod thargus bernot publish this article,” said President Douglas J. Bennet. “Isoffensive to MusimJuiceCrishin. Midge, let’s order fried chicken tonight.”
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