In a surprise decision, Senate Leadership and MLB Commissioner Bud Selig agreed to have the legislative body play a game of baseball the night before the July 12th All-Star Game in Detroit. ESPN has paid $30 billion to secure the contest, which will feature the best of the Democratic and Republican Parties on the Comerica Park diamond.
“I felt it was in the best interest of the nation to have this take place,” said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), who will manage the heavily favored GOP team. “With the deficit continuing to grow, we considered this a way to provide funding to programs in need such as Social Security.”
Selig added that it would give the senators a chance to expose their vast athletic ability to the public outside their state. In fact, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), baseball Hall of Famer, the Republicans’ starting pitcher has already secured endorsement deals from Nike and Under Armour.
“I haven’t used this thing to do anything besides shake hands and sign my name in over thirty years,” the 74-year-old Bunning- who compiled a 224-184 record with a 3.27 ERA and 2855 strikeouts in his career- said in reference to his right arm. “I’ll have to use by buddy Roger’s [Clemens] workout in order to get it ready for the game. It’s a good thing I have a speedster in centerfield.”
Bunning was referring to Rep. Jim Ryun (R-KS), a former Olympian in the mile. Ryun still runs regularly and recently won the 200-meter dash, narrowly defeating Rep. Tim Ryan (D-OH) in the Congressional Track Meet. At press time, Frist was also considering recalling retired Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-CO), captain of the 1964 U. S. Olympic Judo Team and former Rep. Steve Largent (R-OK), a Hall-of-Fame wide receiver, but the Democrats are still confident they can beat the Republicans.
“Don’t count us out yet,” said Democratic manager Harry Reid (D-NV). “We have a [Sen. Barbara] Boxer on our squad. She can hit anything Bunning throws our way.”
Because Detroit is in Michigan, a Blue state in the 2004 election with two Democratic senators, the Democratic Party will be the home team. One of the party’s hardest hitters, Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) will be able to play a role in the game. Formerly an outfielder, over 50 years of experience have robbed him of his speed, but his reflexes at the plate continue to astound analysts.
“How Byrd does it is beyond me,” said ESPN baseball analyst Joe Morgan. “He’s 87, but he still legislates like a 50-year-old. His pen speed reminds me of Barry Bonds, and he runs circles around guys like [Sam] Brownback (R-KS).”
“I still got game,” a smiling Byrd said when asked about the unusual move. “We have our own hot shot in center too,” he added, a reference to first-term Senator Barack Obama (D-IL).
Reid is very pleased with his farm system in the House. The Democratic leader said he considered calling up a few congressmen just for this game in the hope of getting younger. His best shot at that is Rep. Harold Ford, Jr. (D-TN), 34.
“Ford’s been steeped in Congressional tradition throughout his life,” said Reid. “His dad served in the House and starred in similar contests when he was there. I have no doubt Harold has inherited his father’s great abilities.”
Ford is expected to be the Democrats’ starting pitcher. In recent workouts, he’s displayed a solid slider that has been steadily improving under the watch of pitching coach Carl Levin (D-MI). He went the distance against a Green Party squad last week, striking out 11 and scattering seven hits in a 4-1 Democratic victory.
One of the few dissenters from the measure, S. 1882, is House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
“How desperate can my colleagues be?” she asked rhetorically. “I remember when we used to go out and sell candy bars to raise money to pay down the deficit. Why would they want to disparage a grand old game? Plus I’ve heard rumors [Sen. Russ] Feingold’s (D-WI) been on the juice.”
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