President Doug Bennet finally decided to respond to the requests that have been loudly voiced by students for several months and, in some cases, years. He announced several changes that will be taking place here at Wesleyan within the next year.
As a first order of business, Bennet hired Sum Ting Wong to be the multicultural dean. Wong’s great-grandparents were each from a different culture, but the middle school graduate from Texas doesn’t know anything about being a dean.
“I like college kids,” said Wong. “And I like different cultures. They’re good.”
Wong worships Jesus on Sundays, Allah on Wednesdays, and the Hebrew God on Saturdays. Her psychiatrist recently diagnosed her with DID, but she insists that the psychological disorder will not get in the way of her job here at Wesleyan.
“I have several personalities, but they all want to be a dean at Wesleyan,” Wong said, five seconds before saying, “I hate Wesleyan, I hate people, and Argus reporters are douche bags!”
Another change that has been instituted is that the landings on several stairways will now be student of color safe spaces in addition to being areas of refuge for handicapped people. If any student of color on campus is feeling unsafe, he/she/it can go to one of the newly marked places and feel safe again. Handicapped people of color will feel especially safe in these safe spaces
Not only will minorities and disabled people feel safe here on campus, but so will students who are not heterosexual or not sure whether or not they are heterosexual. Housing next year will be completely gender blind. By chance, roughly half of the doubles on campus will house a biological male and a biological female. The other half will have people of the same sex together, or at least people who believe for the time being that they are of the same sex.
Also starting in September, NPR will not be affiliated with the university radio station, WESU. Rather, it will resume running under the low-budget ABR format as it had before NPR came into play. ABR, of course, stands for Activism and Bad Reggae.
As if all of these positive changes are not enough, the chalking ban has been lifted, allowing students to once again decorate the campus with gigantic penises and messages informing the Wesleyan community that everyone is, in fact, gay.
The campus food service employees have all received large raises in their hourly wages after several productive candlelight vigils, though they will no longer be serving meat because meat is murder. In fact, anyone found consuming meat of any kind on campus will immediately receive an SJB referral. Beating meat, however, is encouraged.
Effective immediately, fraternities are not allowed on campus. Fraternities have been found to foster an environment of irresponsible and underage drinking, as well as practicing discrimination in many cases, denying entrance to females. All fraternity members must vacate their houses by Sunday morning. Temporary living quarters will be in the old squash courts until further notice.
Finally, for the first time ever, Wesleyan’s tuition will decrease two percent for the 2005-2006 academic year, though it will still rank among the nation’s most expensive colleges.
“It really wasn’t too hard to decrease [tuition] a small amount with the ridiculous amount it’s increased recently,” said Bennet. “Even with the pay raise for the food workers and the hiring of Dean Wong, Wesleyan will continue to thrive financially. Besides, Dean Wong can only count to twelve, the administration will stop using tuition money in slot machines, and we won’t fully pay for the education of employees’ children if they don’t choose Wesleyan. It makes a lot more sense that way.”
When asked how he thinks the Board of Trustees and other Alumni will feel about the drastic changes, Bennet began to laugh.
“They’re gonna have my ass,” he said. “And I mean that in a completely non-homosexual way. But I’m not worried about it, because the kids will finally stop trapping me in my office for a while, and Midge and I are heading to Hawaii for a very long vacation.”
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