Former Vermont governor Howard Dean was named Monday morning as the new Dean of the College, replacing interim-Dean of the College Peter Patton and bringing new hope for Wesleyan’s future.
The announcement to bring in Dean came several months earlier than expected, completely unlike Dean’s decision to drop out of the Presidential race.
“I’m really excited about this job,” Dean said, “because the way it looks now, that DNC thing was a sinking ship. Besides, where else could I be guaranteed that things can’t get worse?”
Dean Dean said his first priority is ensuring that the construction of new upperclassmen dorms on Fauver Field is acceptable to the students.
“Not only are we going to build the Fauver dorms, Justin Harmon, we’re going to Hewitt and the Nics and Westco and the Butts and La Casa, and we’re going to Lo Rise and Hi Rise and In-Town…And we’re going to 200 Church and X House and German House and Buddhist House. And then we’re going to High Street, to take back the fraternities! Yeeeaah!!!”
Dean also plans to use environmentally friendly loads of crap to teach classes. I mean power buildings.
Marcia Bromberg, Vice President of Administration and Finances for the University, added that Dean’s ability to raise funds is crucial to Wesleyan’s ability to compete with peer schools such as Williams and Amherst.
“The endowments of these schools made us feel, well, let’s just say the Bush tax cuts won’t help us,” Bromberg said. “I really don’t want to do this, but if Dean Dean can’t make us competitive with these schools, we’ll have to start selling the incoming frosh on Main Street to pay the bills around here. That’s off the record.”
Dean said he would also tackle the battery eggs issue by instituting a don’t ask, don’t tell policy with the chickens.
“I’m as liberal as they come,” Dean said,“ but they are chickens and we’re supposed to eat them.”
Dean added that he is supportive of the Administration’s desires and the students’ desires and thinks the two can be reconciled given enough round tables.
“The students and the Administration agree on a lot more issues than people realize”, Dean said, citing organic sod in front of Olin and overly air-conditioned dining halls. “I’m going to make the two see eye-to-eye like it’s my job.”
Dean said he plans to set up blogs on the University website so students can discuss their concerns, but some students are skeptical of this approach.
“He must be crunk, thinking blogs are going to solve our problems.” said Edna Sanfilippo ’05.
Dean was Governor of Vermont from 1991-2003 and said his experience will help him with his new position.
“I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with people who don’t realize the 60s are over,” Dean said, adding, “Dirty freaks.”
Piscine Patel, Assistant Professor of mathematics and computer science, said he is glad Dean was chosen as the new Dean of the College.
“Captains log, day four. Dean squared. Ha ha. They probably didn’t even understand the humor when they chose him. Dean squared. Idiots. Beam me up, Scottie!
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