Before Kelly Jones ’06 left to spend her fall semester in Cameroon, she joked with her housemates about forgetting her.
“They said, ‘of course we will—you’re so boring! And you’re ugly,’” Jones said. “I thought it was a joke. They always called me ugly. I just … always thought it was a joke.”
Four months later, Jones is only beginning to come to terms with the depth of her mistake. She returned to campus Saturday, Dec 4, to surprise her boyfriend, Mike Ederheim ’05, by crawling out naked from under his bed in jungle-goddess body paint.
“He screamed and pushed me out the window,” Jones said. “I walked home in the nude with the heavy burden of rejection weighing on my soul. My body was bruised, and so was my heart.”
“She says we’re dating,” Ederheim said. “I thought she was a boogie monster. You would have pushed her out of the window, too. What would my girlfriend have thought?”
Unfortunately, Jones’s return may be stirring up more controversy than Ederheim suspects.
“Off the record, I’m dumping the asshole,” said Madeline Shabiro ’06. “I found a picture of that girl Kelly on his bulletin board. I used to think it was his mom, but why would his mom be straddling him in a bikini? You tell me.”
In the face of accusations that she planted these and similar photos across campus, Jones responded with a fury that could only be a thinly veiled attempt at denial.
“Didn’t anyone get my e-mails?” Jones said. “I sent like seven. Remember? About the beach?”
“Shakespeare once said, ‘she doth protest too much,’” said Jerry Baberams ’05, with whom Jones claims to have shared a Lo Rise last school year. “What is she hiding?”
Many friends did, in fact, report finding e-mails from Jones in their inboxes after careful examination, but dismissed them.
“You can write an e-mail to anyone you want,” said Anjalame Saxena ’07.
Jones’s further attempts to prove her relationship with many students on campus have merely confirmed a history of stalking, dubious behavior and a mild obsession with narcotics.
“How the f*ck did she know I listened to the Backstreet Boys?” Baberams said. “I’m calling Public Safety.”
She appeared as a friend to many students on thefacebook.com, a status that must be confirmed by both parties. Media experts regard this as clear evidence of hacking and have recommended Jones’s expulsion from the University.
In a last-ditch effort to regain her place on campus, Jones appealed to me.
“We had psychology together freshman year,” Jones said. “Remember?”
While I had no memory of Jones, in the spirit of journalistic integrity, I checked the class roster and did indeed find her name, confirming my suspicions of her forging of administrative documents.
Pathetic.
Only one course of action remains for this miserable individual, forgotten by those who claimed to love her only months before.
Go back to Africa, Jones.
Note: Any resemblance to real persons or places is purely coincidental. And passive-aggressive.
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