On this past Saturday night (April 24), sometime between 8:20 p.m. and 9:00 p.m., an atrocious crime was committed on this campus. This crime was neither widely publicized nor was a Public Safety alert sent out to the students, because the absolute panic it could have caused was not something Public Safety wanted to have to control. The crime I’m talking about happened at the Eclectic House and is very worrisome. It’s a crime so horrendous that it’s had me shaking in terror, fear, anger, and withdrawal since Saturday. I talk to you today about an issue that is neither serious nor unfunny. And that issue is pie throwing.
Some unknown person threw a pie at the front door of Eclectic: banana cream. The person scored a direct hit on the right of the two main doors and the splatter radius went a good fifteen feet across the front porch in all directions. Now, I’m not one to cause a stir, but we may very well be caught in the middle of a pie-throwing epidemic, or, perhaps even worse, we may have been pied by a heretofore-unknown group of terrorists.
So, Wesleyan, I urge you to cooperate and help us find this villain and bring them to justice. I’m personally offering a cash reward for information leading to the identity of this pie thrower.
To the pie thrower: If you come forward and identify yourself, you, too, are eligible for said cash reward.
I say that we here at Wesleyan should remain vigilante and not let this terrorist get away with what he/she/ze has done. Stand strong Wesleyan.
But seriously, don’t be a clown and throw a pie at our house. It’s really annoying to clean.
To contact me with information about this crime or to attempt to get the cash reward, please e-mail me at: aperlgut@wesleyan.edu.
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