Tour guides, enough is enough

Open Letter from Clark 1 Residents to the Wesleyan Tour Guides:

Taking a break from the ceaseless efforts to maintain a bastion of white hegemony, three of us here on the first floor have decided to bare our souls to some of Wesleyan’s most underappreciated students: the tour guides who pass daily through our hall. These folk brave Connecticut weather to share their school spirit with prospies, and we have the utmost appreciation for most of them. To those few, however, who use their posts as a passive-aggressive means of venting Clark resentment, and to those of you who have ever thought we get excessively pissy about showing our rooms, we direct the following:

For the love of Jebus, enough about the damn bathrooms.

Clark 1 (C1) is getting a little tired of the snarky comments you keep slipping into your spiels. We know of no one on this floor who has any intention, by their action or inaction, of furthering the oppression of those who don’t fit neatly into a gender binary. We have two bathrooms right next to each other, and yes, we decided to leave them single-sex, only because there were no objections—then or since. The next time you’re tempted to imply that this is somehow un-Wesleyan, keep in mind that some frosh prefer to ease into ultraliberal non-conformism, that we won’t question your decision to use one bathroom or the other, and that we can hear you in our rooms, you self-righteous malcontent.

1. If I’m in my bathrobe, I can’t show you my room.

Either I’m about to shower, and won’t be in my room, or I’ve just finished showering, and I need to change. And, while stripping in front of a group of awkward high-schoolers and their parents is not necessarily undesirable, even the best of us isn’t always in the mood.

2. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a groundhog.

There is really no need to periodically rouse me from my slumber by knocking on my door and trying to coax me out of my burrow; in fact, there is no need to ever knock on my door, and I’m told that Admissions agrees with me. Indeed, knocking is generally considered poor form for tour guides. Why? Because it’s annoying and inconsiderate. There are goldfish bowls that get tapped on less.

3. We get a LOT of tours.

Every tour comes through C1. Many a C1 resident has awoken to the sound of the tour guide doing hir job—and especially to the one who thinks it’s appropriate to scream “Can anyone show their room?” down the hall whenever ze pleases. There are several tours a day and big groups often get split into two (or more), effectively doubling the number of tours we see. So please don’t take it personally when a group of us hesitates upon being asked to show our rooms. We’re not displaying a cynical lack of Wesleyan pride; we’re just trying to remember whose turn it is.

Now, please understand—most tour guides are awesome and should ignore this Wespeak. The rest we humbly implore, in the hope of restoring a spirit of cooperation to Clark—Tour relations, to reconsider their more intrusive behavior.