I recently learned some shocking news, and something needs to be done about it. We are living in the waning days of the internal combustion engine. For those of you who aren’t automotive minded, an internal combustion engine is the big chunk of metal under the hood of your car. The hood is the big door in front of the windshield that you never open. Gas is what we’re running out of. Between 2015 and 2020, world oil production will reach its peak. Recall how oil is formed: dinosaur dies in a bog, geology buries the bog and compresses it, wait a few million years… voila! Oil.
Well, in twenty years, all the oil will be gone forever and, a few decades later, there will be no more fuel for our internal combustion engines. Let me make something clear. Twenty years from now, during my peak earning years, I WILL be tooling around in a Ferrari Scaglietti 612, Porsche Carrera GT, Audi Le Mans coupe, or other lightweight, high powered vehicle with a stick shift. I am determined in this regard. I dream about sports cars. I subscribe to several automotive publications. And all I ask is… don’t take the dream away!
You may be saying: “We already have fuel efficient hybrid cars, what’s the big deal?” To which I can only respond: have you ever driven a hybrid? It’s like driving a miniature zamboni. It makes no sound whatsoever, except a pathetic whine when you try to accelerate onto the freeway. And it handles like melted butter, which is to say, badly.
So who should we blame for this problem? Well, the military would be a good start, since their tanks measure fuel consumption in gallons per mile, not the other way around. But on the home front, SUV owners are the big wasters of fuel. What are they thinking? What could possess anyone to own, much less buy, a grossly overinflated station wagon/ schoolbus?
The following criteria come to mind (SUV owners, take note): 1.) I own a ranch. 2.) I do not own a ranch, but I regularly herd cattle. 3.) I get paid to drive really large sheets of plywood over rugged mountains where there are no roads. 4.) I have greater than six children.
If you are an SUV owner that does not fit any of these criteria, you are officially taking away my future enjoyment of a Ferrari V12. So, to combat this problem and ensure that we are all enjoying the pleasures of internal combustion engines in 2050, I offer the following steps that Wesleyan (and greater Middletown area) SUV owners can take: 1.) Drive down Church St. until you cross the railroad tracks. Turn left. 2.) You will see the Harbor Park restaurant on your right. Turn into the adjacent parking lot. 3.) Park facing the river, as far back from the guardrail as you can get. 4.) The following steps require a frying pan, a brick, and some dexterity: With your automatic transmission in NEUTRAL, put the pan on the accelerator and the brick on top of the pan to hold it down. Your engine should be making a lot of noise. 5.) With the door open, shift the transmission into DRIVE and immediately leap out of the vehicle. You may wish to wear a helmet and knee pads for this step. 6.) Watch your hienously overweight gas-guzzling SUV launch itself through the guardrail and into the scenic Connecticut river, where it rightfully should be. Then collect the insurance money and go buy yourself a hybrid. Better yet, take the bus.
Because we all want to able to enjoy the unique pleasure of driving an absurdly overpowered, ludicrously fast sports car fifty years from now. I know I do. Until then, I’ll be enjoying my Volvo.
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