Tuesday, July 22, 2025



WestCo tunnels reopened; mole people discovered

Inexplicably, the tunnels underneath the West College (WestCo) residence hall were finally reopened today.

To the shock of Physical Plant employees who opened the locked doors, a race of red-eyed mole people brandishing sharp, pointy teeth emerged from the tunnels and attacked several people on the scene.

Upon seeing the sun, however, the mole people retreated back into the tunnels after their leader, who identified itself as Dar, promised to return by nightfall.

Deputy Chief Philip Pessina of the Middletown Police said he did not believe the leader to be Dar Williams ’89, but said that a search is being set up to determine her whereabouts.

Pessina said that he did believe the mole people to have been students who had been in the tunnels when they were locked in the early 1990s. He said that the students may have been surviving on rat meat and appear to have been breeding at a remarkable rate.

“To build that large of a species in so little time, they must have been doing it like bunnies,” said Pessina.

After extensive testing, Physical Plant employees determined that a pipe bearing waste from Mocon to the WestCo tunnels was filled with a mutagenic substance. In an official statement, Director of Medical Services Davis Smith announced that food from Mocon remains safe if not exposed to air for more than five minutes.

Professor of Biology Michael Weir said that he believes that when the mole people reemerge, they will savagely kill us all and take over the school.

“The drastic changes in their appearance and strength in such a short period of time clearly make the mole people evolutionarily superior and thus fully capable to engage in widespread genocide,” said Weir.

Professor of Psychology Robert Steele said that after being locked in the tunnel for so long, the mole people would certainly be of the correct state of mind to begin the murderous rampage predicted by Weir.

“Did you see ‘Dawn of the Dead’?,” asked Steele.

Weir speculated that the mole people may be after our blood to reinvigorate their own bodies, but admitted that he is not a specialist in the life-force stealing and deferred to the psychics at The Knight People as the local experts.

“I can hear them planning below my floor,” said Grace Nowakoski ’07, who lives in WestCo.

President Doug Bennet could not be reached for comment, but Director of University Communications Justin Harmon said that the situation is under control and that he believes the University has nothing to fear from the mole people since their species was spawned by former students.

“I mean can you imagine a discontented Wesleyan student?,” said Harmon. “Wesleyan students are the kind of people who are not likely to complain, much less launch a campaign of vengeful terror across the campus.”

Harmon said that students should ignore the helicopter seen leaving earlier this afternoon, telling students that they were hallucinating if they thought they saw Bennet leaving at a time like this.

Several students who had previously made that claim apologized and admitted that they were in fact hallucinating from a psychedelic drug. The students were given Student Judicial Board (SJB) referrals by Public Safety.

Public Safety said they will increase their rounds in the WestCo area to ensure that no massacres do occur.

Wesleyan Student Assembly (WSA) President Sohana Punithakumar ’04 and Absolutely Every Aspect of Student Life Committee Chair Becca Solow ’04 said that they are working with the administration to keep the students informed and prepared for any eventuality.

“We’ll be monitoring the situation closely from our shelter with the administration,” said Solow. “Did I say shelter? I meant from our rooms.”

In the event that the mole people do wreak a horror-movie-style havoc onto campus, the Argus would like to thank its readership for their devotedness to the end and wish you all the best of luck! We would also like to remind our new mole people leaders that a newspaper with qualified, experienced news people is a valuable tool to get the masses to comply to your every bidding.

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