Emmanuel-
Recently I got a package slip in my box and went to the window to redeem it, only to learn that the mailroom had no package to give me. They had given it to you instead. This was most puzzling because we are not boxmates, nor have I ever met you. A few days later, I learned from the mailroom that you had thrown out my package.
The contents of this package, as you are surely aware by now, was the new album by the British band Elbow. I had been waiting for its release for a long time. Their first album was terrific; it was like Radiohead with a less assaulting sound, gloomy but soothing, and it was great for driving. I couldn’t wait to get my new CD. But it was not to be.
How could you do this to me, an innocent fan of British alternative rock? But more importantly, how did this happen? When the mailroom worker handed you a package from Amazon.com addressed to Adam Freelander, did you think, “I didn’t order anything from Amazon.com?” Did you say, “my name’s not Adam Freelander?” No, you didn’t. The mailroom people told me what you did. You signed for it and took it home.
You didn’t stop there, though. At some point during your walk from the campus center back to Hewitt, which is where you live, and I know this because I looked you up in the directory, or maybe sometime after that, you must have realized that this was not your package. But did you return it to the mailroom? No. Did you contact me and try to get it to its rightful owner? No! You threw it away, Emmanuel! You threw it the fuck out!
You probably didn’t even listen to my CD before you disposed of it. Had you done so, you would know that it was one of the best rock albums to come out in recent months, one that Rolling Stone called “a rock-symphonic cocktail of ringing guitars, jazzy pitter-patter and interstellar sound effects.” Rolling Stone also said that “Elbow are part of the new school of English bands who are better at arranging lush, astral sounds than they are at writing actual songs.” Whatever. The point is, you threw it out. That is so messed up.
Some people have told me that you are a large man. I want to make it clear that I do not want to fight you. I’m bigger than that. Figuratively. Physically I am 5’7. You understand what I’m saying. Let’s leave the gloves on. I would obviously prefer to have the last word, but if you must retaliate (for what I cannot imagine, you have already brought me so low), please do it in text.
Besides, I’ve mostly recovered from the incident. The mailroom reimbursed me, though I had to produce a receipt so I couldn’t overcharge them, and I ordered the CD again. By this point Amazon had cut the price by a dollar, and I told myself I was saving money. I got the CD a few days later, and I want you to know that it’s really fucking good. You want to borrow it? You can’t. You have to earn back my trust.
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