In light of its high approval rates, the Office of Residential Life decided to up the ante for students seeking new housing next semester. Up to 10 of those vying for a place to lay their heads will be locked together into a lo-rise single room where they will be forced to eat drywall, asbestos and bedding to survive. Students will vote one another out of the room in decreasing order of who most vehemently perpetuates the assimilationist norm.
“I think this is a great solution to our housing problems,” said Lame-Duck Head of Residential Life Jeff Ederer. “Not only does it eliminate excess students, but it provides an economically viable solution to our asbestos problem.”
Ederer seemed nonchalant about the efficacy and safety of the plan.
“I’ve already been fired – what do I have to lose, bitch?”
The idea began while Ederer was visiting his local animal shelter.
“I was looking for some puppies to make puppy stew,” he said. “I noticed that they were crammed into tiny cages, unable to move. I realized that the average student takes up far less space than 80 square feet. By my calculations, Wesleyan’s dorms are highly inefficient. We could easily fit TEN students into every room. Think of the profits! And then it struck me – if the students eliminated each other mid-semester we could still collect tuition without having to house them!”
He was so excited that he invited his colleagues over to his home for a titillating game of “rob the student.” All agreed that Wesleyan students have it too easy and should learn to toughen up.
“When I was little, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to school on my bloody stumps that we called legs, and if I fell I was eaten by rhinos which in turn I mounted on my wall, because I’m the man,” Ederer said. “THE man.”
An alleged proponent of the plan, President Douglas Bennet, lauded Ederer’s decision.
“Well, mumrwrah blagweh thrus gols,” he said. “And if mhgug frum, qigfeds amblumgther towards my salary.”
Students have responded with mixed opinions towards the news.
“Frankly, I don’t give a crap about campus housing,” John Doe ’05 said.
Others considered the possibilities for inspiration.
“It’s very dramatic,” said Sofia Coppola ’04. “If only Wesleyan students were less promiscuous it could be like ‘The Virgin Suicides.’ Damn dirty hippies.”
According to Ederer and the rest of the Residential Life Staff, student opinions don’t matter. In an official statement, they elaborated that it is a misconception that students have any ability to change things around campus or even to think in critical ways. One of the perks of going to the eighth most expensive colleges in the U.S. is that professors pander to students, advocating “creativity” and “individuality” over actual substance.
“Student opinions don’t matter,” he said.
Ederer then broke the spine of a puppy.
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