For many freshmen, college can seem quite intimidating. You’re transitioning from a familiar home to a wilderness of new ideas, rules, and people. This is especially true for people who have a hard time socializing or have social anxiety.
When I was in high school, loneliness ruled my world. Eventually, I internalized it, accepting it as my reality. My social skills were nonexistent, and I convinced myself that I was actually fine being lonely. As I transitioned to college, I realized the hole I had dug myself into. I created an interesting strategy to socialize more.
“Imagine that everyone you talk to is lonelier than you,” I told myself.
At first, this might seem a bit ridiculous. Why would you ever assume everyone is lonely? Well, even if the reality may be different, you should approach conversations with this idea in mind. Think of it like a little trick to make things easier. It might not be 100% true all the time, but imagining other people as lonely will make it easier to interact with them. It’ll put everyone on the same level, instead of feeling like you’re left behind socially.
You’ve got to remember that at Wesleyan, people are going through a similar transition to you. This is the essence of “sonder”; it’s the understanding that other people are going through their own struggles that are just as real as yours. They’ve also come to a new place without any of their pre-college relationships. It’s important to realize that everyone else is just as desperate for friendship and compassion. Many of them, just like you, are afraid of confronting people. They’d all rather wait for someone nice to walk up to them. So, how about you?
Shy people often underestimate their own social skills and overestimate the skills of others. They don’t want to be judged by other people who are “in the know” about social cues. But if you assume that everyone is lonely or shy, then you don’t have to worry about all that. You can be the trailblazer and present yourself authentically.
Now, you might be thinking, “Isn’t this really far from the truth?” Not really. According to the National Institute of Health, a whopping 40% of young adults report feeling lonely. This is across genders, too: Loneliness is about equal amongst men and women. These stats could be an underestimation as well, since many people, especially men, may be afraid of reporting themselves as lonely. Our society has trained people to be stoic and strong, which pressures them to mask their true feelings. Someone might act sociable, almost intimidating, even if they’re really just lonely and shy like everybody else. If you get intimidated by someone sociable, remember that it’s all in your head. That person isn’t trying to act intimidating on purpose.
Obviously, this is not a perfect solution to everything. You have to be kind, interesting, and friendly. This also primarily applies to people at Wesleyan, especially first years; it may not be as effective outside of here. However, in an environment where people might be afraid to talk, this little tip can help you out, and maybe even get you more friends along the way.
Atharv Dimri is a member of the class of 2029 and can be reached at adimri@wesleyan.edu.
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