Whoa, nelly! Bring your own boo-yah! Dipsy-doo-dunkaroo! Additional nonsensical generic sports-commentator exclamation! The unpredictable madness of March was amplified exponentially this past week with the inaugural NCAA (National Celebrities who “Almost” Aren’t Alive) Tournament. So far, the unending excitement and bracket-busting upsets have left more than just the tournament’s participants in need of a defibrillator. I’m more tense and nervous than a gay student at Trinity, baby! (Gelman 2, Trinity nothing.) Let’s get right to the blockbuster match-up of the first round.
Laci Peterson vs. Terry Schiavo: This showdown of the two tabloid titans, Pregnant Peterson and Tenacious Terry, has to be the Cinderella story of the tournament. Faster than you could say “cheating husband goes bonkers and murders his pregnant wife,” Peterson was down for the count, and Schiavo’s indefatigable determination had carried her on to the next round. The Schiavo camp exploded with jubilation, going so wild as to give Schiavo some wine, which she proceeded to down faster than an Arizona State freshman in Cancun. (Schiavo fans say she was given “Holy Communion.” Yeah, and I got smashed on Purim to “solemnly honor my ancestors narrowly escaping extinction thousands of years ago.”) In the Alive Eight, Schiavo will take on Tom Cornish, Wesleyan’s hometown favorite. Great grandma’s gravy, this is nuts, baby!
John Paul I vs. John Paul II: Holy Father fatality! In a Catholic cataclysm of casualties, John Paul II outlived his predecessor. Yet NCAA officials are accusing John Paul II of tainting the tournament with his use of banned substances. The Pugnacious Polish Pontiff is accused not of injecting steroids, but of using fishing line and tape in marionette fashion to make himself seem alive, when the Deuce has in fact supposedly been dead since 1998. As the clouds of controversy continue to brew, John Paul cruises in his pimped-out Popemobile into an Alive Eight showdown with Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who was somehow able to outlast 246-year-old progressive thinker Strom Thurmond.
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