This institution has been lacking a sport that truly represents the ideals embraced by the student body. Fortunately, the introduction of a new club sport, walking etiquette, is set for next fall. Practices begin this spring and all are welcome to join.
University officials are ecstatic about the founding of this new type of sport, and hope it will reform athletics on a major scale at Wesleyan, and perhaps even beyond the bubble.
“I cannot think of a better idea than a sport which welcomes all races, genders, ages…hell, we don’t discriminate,” said University President Doug Bennet. “No athletic talent is required whatsoever. On top of that, the sport has no winners or losers. A sport without competition is perfect for the Cardinals of the future.”
Members of the Republican Club are not welcome.
Naturally Bennett’s enthusiasm does not stop here. He commented on the money that will be saved by having a sport that requires no uniforms, road trips or training facilities. Also, Wesleyan’s status in the U.S. News and World Report will not be affected by recruiting since athletic talent is unnecessary.
“If we can replace football or ice hockey with walking etiquette, we will be one step ahead of Williams and Amherst in the competition for being the school that supports sports the least of all the pompous NESCAC schools,” Bennet said, “We also won’t have to worry about our retention rate slipping because cheating will be perfectly acceptable and freshmen hazing will part of the Film majors senior theses.”
Adding a walking etiquette team will provide numerous benefits for the student body as well. If it catches on, experts estimate a decrease in the number of headphone- wearing Birds strolling right across a street without looking by almost 50 percent per day, which works out to roughly 1,000 students a week. The ultimate goal, though a lofty aspiration, is for a car to travel down High Street without stopping at a single unnecessary stop light, as students on the team will learn not to push the walk button before noticing an easy passage across the street.
“Each year we receive numerous complaints from the Middletown community,” said Public Safety Captain Michael Kishimoto. “Apparently it irritates people when a red-eyed student is too busy singing Avril to himself to bother looking both ways.”
The walking etiquette team will not be restricted to streets only. Next winter the team will begin intense indoor training, with light practices starting in Olin.
“We are realistic, no Jay Z’s at Wes going straight from the fryin’ pan into the fire,” said team captain Brian Bissell ’04. “Hopefully by next spring break we will be able to handle the treacherous lunch period training sessions in the Campus Center. Of particular concern are the people planting themselves in the middle of the steps. We know we gotta brush our shoulders off and get through the wire cause if we don’t we’ll be rolling down the street smoking indo sippin on gin and juice, laid back with our mind on our money and our money on our mind .”
Hopefully by next spring break the step-sitters will be inspired enough to join the headphone-wearers and join the walking etiquette squad. Perhaps a few years down the road people attending Wesleyan will be able to handle satisfactory walking and the team will simply become the entire school.
“The community surrounding Middletown will be thrilled to hear the news. I think the relationship between students and real people will improve when the students stop acting like cars should stop for them all the time,” said an anonymous member of AWARE. “As seniors know, the real people do not act in the same manner as you obnoxious drunken freaks, slamming car doors and staying up past my bedtime. We professors, I mean the real people, have a very difficult life.”
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