Unless you’re one of those interesting folks that refuses to acknowledge that anti-Semitism has ever been a real issue, you’ve probably heard of The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson’s film detailing the last twelve hours of Jesus’ life (Jesus is played by Jim Caviezel, who has also played such dramatic roles as “rear F-18 pilot” in The Rock.) The film has been the subject of much controversy, and some have accused the film of depicting Jews as Christ-killers. Gibson’s father, Hutton Gibson, a different-thinking sort of fellow who believes the Holocaust never happened (we are not making this up) and that Jews are plotting to take over the world (nor are we making this up), would surely be quick to point out that most people leveling these criticisms at the film have a pretty firm “gripowitz” on the media, and have been sitting around patting each other on the yarmulke and exchanging hearty l’chaims, if you know what he means (we think you know what he means).
Gibson wanted the film to be in ancient Hebrew and Aramaic without subtitles. This is probably why he called the film The Passion of the Christ. (So people would know what the hell the film was about.) Otherwise they might assume the film was about some other Christ, and how passionate he or she is. Also, filming it all in ancient languages with no subtitles would allow him to leave in lines like the following:
Jesus: I tell you now, you will deny me three times before the sun rises.
Apostle: I will not.
Jesus: That’s one.
Apostle: Jesus, I wouldn’t deny you. You’re amazing!
Jesus: Yea, and I also tell you now, there shall come a man named Mel Gibson, and he will direct three amazing films befor—
Apostle: Mel Gibson is a no-talent hack.
Jesus: That is twice you have denied me. Mel Gibson resembles my father.
Apostle: Your father is not a corporeal being. He is omnipresent and omnipowerful. Mel Gibson is a mere mortal.
Jesus: Three.
Apostle: Dammit!
Enter God.
God: Yo, guys, the Holocaust never happened.
This scene was completely stricken from the final (understandable) movie. Other scenes were rewritten. For example:
No Subtitles:
Jesus: Ow! You’re killing me, Jew!
Jew: Yes, I, a Jew, am currently killing you, Jesus Christ.
Understandable, Subtitled Version:
Jesus: Ow! Are you killing me, Saul Semitowitzensteinblattberg?
Saul: Well…put it this way. I’m not not killing you.
The Passion of the Christ is also said to be a much bloodier, more graphic version of Christ’s life and death. Some changes you can look for:
– Jesus turns water to blood
– After turning water to blood, he walks on it.
– A crown of superthorns. (There have been rumors that it is actually a crown of rabid wolverines. These reports are unconfirmed but awesome.)
– Instead of nailing Jesus to one cross, each of his limbs is nailed to a different cross. His face is painted blue and his head stuck on a pike.
– Twenty-five minute battle sequence where Jesus breaks into Pontius Pilate’s banquet and has to fight Pilate’s Roman Ninja Squad armed with nothing but a stone chainsaw. Some have deemed this sequence “unnecessary,” but many of them also deem God to be called “Yaweh.”
By this point, you’re probably asking yourself “But how does God feel about all this?”
I’m glad you asked.
“[Jim Caviezel] was struck by lighting during the filming of Mel Gibson’s ‘Passion’. Assistant director Jan Michelini was also hit (for the second time during the shoot). A crew member said ‘I’m about a hundred feet away from them when I glance over and see smoke coming out of Caviezel’s ears.’”
This is an actual quote taken from the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com). God has a sense of humor. I mean, so cliché. Our God is an ironic God.
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