Students get ‘Contact’ high
MIDDLETOWN, Conn. — While many students passionately celebrated the highs of cannabis culture (zing!) this past Sunday on Foss Hill, a select group of Wesleyanites found themselves duped into illicit inebriation against their will. In trying to separate themselves from the hippie-stoner fray, yet still enjoy Sunday’s festivities, many students felt the unmistakable effects of a “‘Contact’ high.” While commonly derided as an urban legend, ‘Contact’ highs are very much a reality, and can often be as potent as a more conventional direct-inhalation high.
A little secret about senior theses: only illiterate people write them. A few great thesis writers: Fantasia Barrino, Helen Keller, and Zach Davis.
Stacey Augmon. I bet when I just mentioned him, he was the farthest thing from your mind. If he was, well, then you’re just an insensitive prick. Stacey “Plastic Man” Augmon was one of the most electrifying college basketball players of the early 1990s, a three-time Defensive Player of the Year while at UNLV, scoring more than 2,000 points and grabbing more than 1,000 rebounds on his career, and being a member of UNLV’s 1990 National Championship team.
Beware, C-League Intramural softball teams! For you lie in the crosshairs of the heartiest hurler since Mordechai “Three-Finger” Brown! His career started in nineteen hundred seventy six, as a mustachioed Salvador Dali-wannabe with his patented postmodern slider (upper left). The ball would travel midway to the plate, stop, question its own existence, and then commit suicide. Strike one, sir, strike one.
Howdy thesis writers! I just spent the last few hours with you fine folks following the submission of your theses, submerging myself in the seedy underworld of undergraduate academic excellence. Now, getting crunked up with people that have just turned in their theses is a lot like how I imagine partying in America was like immediately after the repeal of Prohibition: all the cool people had spent the last few years getting all hopped up on giggle water at the speakeasies around West Egg, but now all those law-abiding over-achieving large-front-wheel-bicycle-riders from the Women’s Christian Temperance Union are drinking too.
Broccoli: There are certain undeniable truths in life. When I take a step in my LA Gears, I know that they will light up. When I kiss a girl, I know that it means I’m gay. And when I eat broccoli, I know that it will taste like doody. And I don’t even mean doody in the casual, eat-your-dog’s-doody-off-your-carpet-because-you-think-it’s-chocolate doody.
I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friend Billy and Billy kept telling me that “Last Temptation of Christ” was better than “The Passion of the Christ,” but I know that he is lying because he is a Jew and he just wants to see Jesus mess up and make mistakes.
9:00 DARE Assembly
Do you know somebody who has been asked to do drugs or are you a drug that has been asked to be done? If so, do not attend this assembly. Congratulations, you’re cooler than the rest of your classmates. Go get high!
Due to the recent rash of on-campus muggings, many students have felt their safety encroached upon by a 6’1” black guy and a 5’9” white or Hispanic guy. Wesleyan, being the proactive campus it is, has decided to take matters into its own hands. This will be the first student-run justice initiative since the Butterfield Posse of 1973, which rode several shady outlaws out of town after tar and feathering them.
Dear Timmy,
I would like to cordially not invite you to my 7th Birthday Bash featuring both Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana. My mother says I have to invite you because I am inviting everyone else in our class, but I don’t want you there. Look Tim, don’t take this the wrong way, but you smell like my pee after I eat asparagus.