One time, I took one of the public safety cars, not one of the stupid SUVs, mind you, but one of the real deal Police Interceptor cop cars. Anyway, I took it in the middle of the night, and turned the lights on. Not, like, those red ones that stay on all the time, but the real kind that flash and look intimidating and everything.
The internet is the best place to waste time since god invented the 7-11. Anyone who has recently wasted time on the particular patch of internet surrounding Wesleyan will have stumbled across the LiveJournal Wesleyan Anonymous Confessions Board.
Wesleyan was thrown into an uproar last month when two time travellers arrived on campus in a now-famous burst of brimstone and lightning outside the Campus Center. The adventurers, founding father John Hancock and cybernetic future-man Jherek Carnelian, were recently overheard discussing Wesleyan’s Anonymous Confession Board over lattes at Pi Cafe.
Have you got a qualm to quell? Do you happen to possess some shit to spit? Are you by any chance holding onto some hate to orate? Well, my technologically-minded peers, the antiquated, obsolete days of duels at high noon and drive-by’s on Broad Street are fading from our collective rearview mirror faster than Harriet Miers.
Dear Jesus,
I know we haven’t talked in a while, but I haven’t been able to find the right words to say this. The DNA test result came back, and it turns out that you’re not my son. I know you must be feeling surprised, shocked, and possibly less divine, but just imagine how I feel. You may be wondering why I waited so long to go through with the test.
In a News Brief in the previous issue of the Ampersand, the last line was misinterpreted by some as implying that Eugene Wong is homophobic. While Eugene claims to be a Republican, he is not, in fact, homophobic. Eugene is probably more of a fiscal conservative anyway, which would put him at odds with the current administration’s spending policy and the pork-barrel happy republicans in Congress.
Hi, my name’s Claire and I evaluate people’s inner worth based on their musical tastes and appearances. Biggest mistake ever. Recently, I’ve come to the realization that even though I’ve pulled off looking like an Urban Outfitters spokesperson, no one actually likes me. Listening to The Decemberists/ Le Tigre/ The Mars Volta and wearing checkered shoes doesn’t make me any less of a cheerleader on OxyContin.
We got some absinthe shipped to us from Europe. I should have known something was up because it came in a two-liter bottle of Fanta, which isn’t how it was portrayed on eBay. The six (I think it was six, it might have been 12, or maybe it just looked that way in the rear-view mirror) of us got in a car and drove to see a cockfight in West Virginia, all of us thinking that cockfighting was legal in there.
For when you make a mistake. Check boxes as needed.
Mistakes happen. That’s what we tell ourselves all the time. Everyone makes them. Even God. Perhaps especially God. Because the problem with intelligent design isn’t that it suggests an almighty creator designed us, but that it suggests that said creator was intelligent. Clearly, scientific evidence suggests that this is just plain wrong.