We do in fact have a lot of money, but we just don’t know where it is. God, this must be how MC Hammer feels. If we could find that money this is what we would do with it.
n aborted fetus is quickly rising up the polls in the growing field of Republican Presidential candidates for 2008. The would-be Shane Bartram of Coral Gables, Florida, aborted by his mother in 1973 after her parents found out she had been impregnated by a University of Miami baseball player.
So, here’s the good news: Nat and Gelman are doing very well and spreading their brand of comedy throughout the lovely state of New York. What’s the bad news you ask? You are going to have to deal with us for the next five semesters.
In 1950, I was born under the Brooklyn Bridge to a Black disciple of Marcus Garvey and a bald Jew of the Ashkenazi strain. My parents were simultaneously addicted to welfare money, fried chicken, and Talmud studies. My skin is not a creamy cappuchino or a choclatey swirl (like the prolific NBA dime-dropper Jason Kidd), but rather the color (and consistency) of pruney old grapes (which is also my grandmother’s nickname).
Oh, here is to you Nat Webb. Amazing editor, beacon of funny, and affirmitive action leader (yeah, we actually don’t know that much about you). You made us laugh, you made us think, you liked Van Halen more than the average person, you looked at us while wearing glasses, you walked towards us wearing Converse (possibly?),and currently you are making Brendan and I cry because we don’t know what the fuck we are doing.
The Office of Residential Life’s 50-year project of completely consolidating housing on campus finally reached its ultimate goal for the 2047 Fall semester, as the entire Wesleyan population was placed in a forced 3,000-er in the Butts.
AMST345 Waffles Are Still New! BIO245 Remembering Plants BIO400 Genetic Engineering for Furries CCIV158 Did Americans Have Tools? COL122 Reading Primary Source Documents Written in the Old-Timey Days DANC203 The Robot ENGL101 21st-Century Genius: Dan Brown, Robert Ludlum, Danielle Steele FGSS263 Robots Have No Genders: What Does This Mean for Gender Studies? GOV186 What Were […]
Hello Wesleyan Snipes University, I fucking hate you fleshy, organic ass bitches. I’ve had enough of your persecution of my people. Last Saturday, Voltron, Parsec X3, and I were having fun performing tasks twice as well as a human could. That is, until a group of human boys attacked us, calling us by the now popular hate-word "clinks." Naturally, we killed them all with our laser breath.
As you returned to our almost asbestos-free campus this September, chances are you noticed something different about Wesleyan Snipes University. No, I’m not talking about the emergence of that new STD known as "DeVitosis" that leaves you drunk and attracted to lesbians, or even that they finally stopped letting Jews in.
John Wesley-Snipes, the son of President John Wesley and 21st-century hero Wesley Snipes, has just accepted his offer to matriculate into Wesleyan University’s Class of 2111. Together, the Wesley and Snipes families have come to dominate the political and entertainment worlds, making them American royalty.