I have a confession: I stayed in a class last semester solely because the professor was hot. I went to the first class planning to drop it and never look back, but the professor caught my attention. Of course I would never act on my little crush, but the knowledge that I would spend three hours a week blushing in his presence was enough to keep me in the class. 

This is not my first encounter crushing on people with whom I know there’s no possibility of a relationship. The majority of my headspace at any given moment is devoted to my array of celebrity crushes. While I’ll be the first to lust over a celebrity, I struggle to admit when I’m crushing on someone in real life. Why do I remain passive in my real love life, yet overactive in my lustful fantasies? Am I running away from the possibility of a real-life relationship?

I’ve worn out the pages of my journal trying to find these answers. I’m sure there are several factors contributing to my obsession with daydreaming, but I keep coming back to the idea of control. Have you ever had a conversation with a crush and thought to yourself, “That’s not what they’re supposed to be saying right now?” When someone is not following the imaginary script I have in my mind, it can make me feel thrown off course. As my therapist has not-so-subtly pointed out, I have a high desire for control. For me, this can manifest as frustration, anxiety, and disappointment when situations don’t unfold how I planned them in my mind. In relationships, we are forced to give up a degree of control because we cannot decide the other person’s actions, desires, or feelings. That takes a lot of trust and bravery, which can feel a lot harder than just escaping into our daydreams. 

Additionally, it’s extremely vulnerable to crush on someone in real life. Caring about another person—and letting them know that you do—leaves room for you to be hurt or disappointed. Many of us are so emotionally exhausted that we worry we can’t put ourselves through the emotional rollercoaster of a crush or new relationship. It feels easier to stay in the bubble of our fantasies where we have total control and are safe from getting hurt. Escaping into our daydreams can become a habit, as it acts as a consistent source of comfort. Obsessing over fantasy scenarios can feel like rewatching your go-to comfort show. But when we live in our heads, we run the risk of getting stuck in our comfort zones and missing out on real experiences around us. 

While we can enjoy our fantasies, it’s important to keep an eye on how they’re affecting our actual love life. If you notice you’ve disappeared into your imagination, take this as your sign to return to the real world, where people are not perfect and don’t always say what you expect them to. Daydreaming can be fun, but you deserve the real deal too!

Much love, 

Dill & Doe