Hey you! Yes you!! Have you ever yearned to get away, to escape from the drama and noise of your everyday life and get a taste of paradise? Well, look no further than Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a luxury hotel in urban Philadelphia.

Here at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, we have it all: Walk-in closets, hedge trimmers, and weed whackers galore. In need of some R&R? Go down to our spa to enjoy an exfoliating mud bath with organic fertilizer! Looking to whip that body into shape? How about deadlifting a 50 pound bag of soil in our outdoor gym until you can’t feel your arms anymore! The possibilities are endless.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping is conveniently situated in one of the quaintest parking lots in northeast Philadelphia, our hotel is the perfect location for family friendly events. This past Saturday, famously level-headed politician Rudy Giuliani held a press conference undermining the 2020 Election results and propping up a fascist dictator! 

Want an online tour of our hotel? No problem! Four Season Total Landscaping is now available in VR format. With a realistic podium complete with MAGA decorations, get the full alt-right experience while ecstatic furries roam the premises! Here at Four Seasons Landscaping, we embrace the furry community and are very grateful for their stunning virtual reality rendition of our location. Have you ever wanted to see Rudy Giuliani and the registered sex offender who spoke at Saturday’s conference as giant sentient squirrels? Now’s your chance!

Are you worried about keeping you and your family safe during the inevitable coup? We’ve got you covered! At our Garden Shop, we have a wide variety of shovels, pitchforks, pickaxes, hammers, and wheelbarrows to choose from. We’ll even throw in a few of our best-selling t-shirts “Lawn and Order” and “Make America Rake Again” so you can fight the upcoming battle for democracy in style.

A lot of people ask us, “Four Seasons Total Landscaping? Are you a landscaping company or a hotel,” to which we respond, “Why not both?” We are a niche business here to give the people what they want! Where else can you sleep under the stars on a flower bed with 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets? Where else can you meet all of your favorite Republicans and pose for a picture in front of a sex shop?

In a recent article, Buzzfeed described us as “the heart and soul of America” and we couldn’t agree more. Located on the outskirts of Philadelphia, we are the pulse of this nation, a unique model of luxury and urban frugality. At Four Seasons Total Landscaping, enjoy five-star accommodations and the pleasures of landscaping at dirt cheap prices. Looking for a place to garden and scream into the void for the next two months? Languish in your existential despair at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

Ben Togut can be reached at btogut@wesleyan.edu.