From: Squirrel Girl ’18

Where are the best trees to climb on campus?

Have you tried the basketball team? They’re like trees except for added fun, they scream when you climb them. All the coolest squirrels are doing it. Don’t you want to be cool? Cool squirrels get all the nuts. And the ladies.

From: Lost and Confused ’21

What do I do? How do I do it???

In order to do a thing, you must first understand how to do. One can do by moving arms, legs, hands, or brain. If one cannot do these things, they will be unable to do. Given that you wrote this, you are likely able to do. Now you must decide what to do. Possible things to do are make friends with the ghosts that live in the cemetery on top of Foss, paddle a canoe down High Street, drink all the coffee in Pi through a giant twisty straw, or have an existential crisis over the moving of the Wesleyan bookstore. If you feel inspired, go do. Nothing can stop you from doing a thing. Except for full-body paralysis.  

From: Cops are Dumb and I’d Never Be One, For Sure ’19

Hey classmates! Any advice on the best places to underage drink and use narcotics this weekend?

Michael Roth’s house. He has all the dankest weed, but he’ll never tell you that. It would destroy the boy next door persona he’s taken so long to cultivate. The only way to gain access is to know the password. It’s sassafrass. You have to say it slow:  Saaaassssaaafrassssssss. If you tell it to him, he’ll give you that sweet, sweet kush and you’ll be bong bros 4 lyfe.

From: Detached and Edgy ’19

I want to dye my hair, but I don’t know what color is the edgiest and detached. What color is the edgiest and detached?

The only way to spend hours getting that “I just don’t care” look is to dye your hair clear. If you don’t know how to do that, you just aren’t cut out for the counterculture, sorry. Alternatively, you could just shave it all off and wear a funny hat. The edgiest hair is the hair that no one can see.

From: Dreamer, Lover, Friend ’20

Be honest with me, can Bernie still win?

No. Well…

From: Valuable Member of the Global Community ’21

Which campus studying/dining spot is ideal for me to conduct my self-indulgent Sociology 101 experiment and why?

You can always observe me ;)

From: That One Freshman ’21

How do I let my professor know that I’m smart while still managing to talk as much as possible?

Ask and answer your own questions; consider the existence of no one but yourself. You are all that matters.

From: Hungry for Answers ’21

How do I improve the taste of the food at Usdan and Summerfields?

The only way to tolerate cafeteria dining is to show up drunk at every meal. Boozedan it up and you won’t care what you’re putting in your mouth, you’ll just want a lot of it. Make the most of your meal swipe, and get fucking flambéed beforehand.


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