From: Mattie Smith, 2020

If people really hate “hook-up culture,” then why is it so hard to date or even talk to someone like is normally done in the real world? Is no one interested in getting to know people while sober? How would you suggest getting to know people outside of the small window everyone seems to operate in on Friday and Saturday nights? (and please don’t just say, “join clubs”)

Join extracurricular activities! Put yourself out there! Dance like nobody’s watching! The early bird catches the worm! A penny saved is a penny earned! Get your feet wet! It ain’t over until the fat lady sings! You can’t love anyone until you love yourself! Do one thing that scares you everyday! No time like the present! The road to hell is paved with good intentions! Shoot the breeze! Compliment people! Gossip! How much does a polar bear weigh?!? Enough to break the ice! What’s up? Try a funky pick-up line like “I like your shoes!” Spice up your vernacular with some hip vocabulary! Instead of saying something dumb and boring like “That’s a good idea,” say something sizzling like “That’s a gold hat, cool cat!” Not only will you look laid-back, but a follow-up question about what the heck you’re saying is sure to follow, ensuring more conversation time with the object of your affections. Play hard to get. The next time someone you like talks to you, punch them in the face. Learn how to make a fist so you don’t hurt yourself. Self-care is important. Stop everyone from getting drunk on Friday and Saturday nights by pouring out all the alcohol and replacing it with pink lemonade. Gather all the partygoers together to have a serious discussion about the dangers of drinking alcohol.  This is a great way to make friends without having to join a stupid club.    

From: HORNY 4 skull and serpent, 2018

I NEED TO GET INTO SKULL AND SERPENT HOW DO I DO IT? HOW DO I GET INTO THE TOMB? WHY DOES THE SCHOOL ALLOW THIS. I NEED TO BE APART OF THE SOCIETY. HOW. I WILL DO ANYTHING.

Okay first. Go into Michael Roth ’78’s house. It’s the gray building next to the American Studies Building. There’s an unlocked window on the northwest side of the house that leads to the basement. Once you’re in, go up the stairs. Roth has night lights around the house. Turn to the left at the fresco recreation of Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam, except Roth is Adam and Lin-Manuel Miranda ’02 is God, and make your way to the bathroom. Ignore the black, opaque shower curtain and examine his white porcelain sink. Take his Tooth Tunes toothbrush. (It plays “Disturbia” by Rihanna. Resist the urge to press down on it. It’s not time yet.)

Roth is asleep down the hall. He snores like God. Go into his room. He sleeps behind thick white robes draped over his canopy bed. Robes thick as pillows. Pull them back.

Brush his teeth for him. He won’t wake up. You wanted to join Skull and Serpent, right? Brush his dirty teeth. Listen to Disturbia twice. Then again:

It’s a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It’s too close for comfort

Are you done?

Am I scaring you tonight
Your mind is in Disturbia
Ain’t used to what you like

Whisper these lines to Roth. Get your lips up to his ears. It’s not sexual. Don’t make it sexual.

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

Finish up and return the brush to its metal holder in the bathroom. It needs to be recharged for next time.