Milo Yiannopoulos is boring.
He’s hateful and racist. He’s a white supremacist and a xenophobe. He’s homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, and anti-Semitic. He owns a necklace that bears Hitler’s iron cross. And he’s really fucking boring.
Imagine having so little to say that your whole career is shock value. Imagine if that one friend you used to have, who called his mom a bitch while you were hanging out—to seem edgy, of course—made a career of his antics. Imagine if you suddenly started making revenue for dropping the n-word in YouTube comments.
Congratulations! You have now imagined everything Milo Yiannopoulos will ever amount to.
Milo likes to give speeches in Native American headdresses. Milo wanted to give a speech at Yale in blackface. Milo gave a speech where he misgendered and mocked a trans alumna of UW Milwaukee. Milo refused to leave a tip at a Buffalo Wild Wings because his server was queer, and on the receipt he wrote a note calling that server a faggot. Milo Yiannopoulos is boring.
Milo went on Bill Maher’s show last Saturday. Bill Maher is boring. Milo made up a statistic claiming that trans individuals are disproportionately likely to commit sexual assault, and Bill Maher had no follow up questions. Transgender Americans have an average life expectancy of thirty to thirty-two years as a result of both murder and suicide. Most anti-trans violence and legislation (though they’re one and the same, if we’re being honest) comes from the idea that transgender individuals are dangerous perverts. Milo perpetuated this on HBO. Bill Maher had no follow-up questions. Milo Yiannopoulos is boring.
Milo Yiannopoulos is all about free speech. Milo wants you to know he likes to trigger you. Milo Yiannopoulos apparently hasn’t read the First Amendment, which doesn’t protect you from students protesting your paid speaking gig at their school. It does protect those protests, though. Sorry, Milo Yiannopoulos. You’re still boring.
Milo Yiannopoulos would raw-dog free speech if he could. But Milo Yiannopoulos doesn’t like to be criticized. Milo Yiannopoulos wants to make sure you don’t violate his fake free speech by criticizing his fake free speech with your free speech. Milo Yiannopoulos is cowardly, dangerous, and boring.
Milo Yiannopoulos hates a lot of people. But Milo Yiannopoulos is still boring. Milo likes to call Donald Trump “daddy.” But Milo Yiannopoulos is still boring. Milo Yiannopoulos dresses like he’s doing Justin Bieber cosplay. He performs his own gayness flamboyantly. He said he would fuck a trans woman because she was a masculine-looking man. He thinks queer people are perverts. Milo Yiannopoulos is happy to be the Right’s token gay, to have sexual intercourse with other men while shaming others who do the same. Milo Yiannopoulos is boring as all fucking fuck.
Milo Yiannopoulos sounds like a middle school student trying to do a British accent. Milo Yiannopoulos sounds like a middle school student trying to tell his edgy Holocaust jokes. Milo Yiannopoulos sounds like a high school student asking why white people don’t get to say the n-word. Holy fucking shit is Milo Yiannopoulos boring.
Imagine being Milo Yiannopoulos. Imagine going on Real Time With Bill Maher. Imagine getting a platform to tell everyone watching that trans individuals love to rape people in the way that Game of Thrones characters love to rape people. Imagine expressing your concern for the women (whom you hate) and the children. Imagine Bill Maher chuckling beside you and telling you that you’re being reasonable. Imagine coming home and logging onto your computer and seeing ten thousand think pieces from white men who claim they find your views despicable but also think you should be able to spew them wherever you want because these men are not affected by your views and they also do not understand the Constitution. Imagine reading one of these think pieces and pleasuring yourself. Congratulations! You now know what it’s like to be Milo Yiannopoulos. Congratulations! You now know what it’s like to be boring.
People love to enable Milo Yiannopoulos. Enabling Milo Yiannopoulos is so hot that Pornhub is about to make a category for it on their homepage. White people love enabling Milo Yiannopoulos even more than they love Weird Al polka songs, re-doing high fives, applauding airplane landings, and only having sex in the missionary position. Milo Yiannopoulos would probably say I’m being a racist right now. Then Milo Yiannopoulos would put on blackface and ask me if I’m triggered. That’s what one does when they’re Milo Yiannopoulos, and trying their darndest not to be boring.
Who do you think Milo’s favorite writer is? Pictures prove he digs Mein Kampf, but personally I think his favorite writer is whichever white man on the internet is going to deploy that fake Voltaire quote next. He also probably likes James Patterson. Tons of boring white people like James Patterson.
Imagine being pro-Milo Yiannopoulos. Imagine sitting down at your computer and talking some shit about the importance of discourse. Imagine enabling Milo Yiannopoulos, a man who made it his mission to punish a Black woman for having the gall to star in a movie about fighting ghosts. Imagine enabling a man who is so so mad at Netflix for “race-baiting” with their Dear White People show, but also wore a Native American headdress to upset people. Imagine enabling a man who believes he is fighting the bloodiest war against political correctness, whose byline on Breitbart is his first name in all caps as if he were the piece-of-shit version of Cher, who wants to “reclaim Constantinople” (is Milo a big They Might Be Giants fan?). Imagine saying that you’re just on the side of discourse. Now, look down at your pasty white hands, the skin of which will never have violence inflicted on it because of its color. Peek inside your pants and look at the genitals you own that will never put you in danger, that you feel comfortable with, that don’t make you feel like you’re worthless or just the wrong person. Look in the mirror, and focus on your stupid fucking boring white face. Congratulations! Now, you can answer that “what would I do if I was in Hitler’s Germany?” question.
Milo Yiannopoulos is starting his own media company, because he’s boring and he’s ruined. Milo Yiannopoulos advocated for child rape, and Breitbart dropped his boring ass. Milo Yiannopoulos advocated for pederasty because when he tries his hardest to be shocking, Milo is his most boring.
Imagine being Milo Yiannopoulos. Imagine trying not to cry while you resign from your white supremacist rag. Imagine trying not to cry while you post on Facebook that your white supremacist fan fiction from Simon & Schuster was dropped. Imagine being Milo Yiannopoulos and realizing you’ve lost every chance you had to prove people you’re not boring. Good.
I don’t like Milo (sorry: MILO). I think Milo Yiannopoulos is boring. I think Milo Yiannopoulos is childish. I think Milo Yiannopoulos is boring. I think Milo Yiannopoulos is cowardly and hypocritical. I also think Milo Yiannopoulos is boring. I think Bill Maher should be ashamed and that HBO should cancel his piece of shit Daily Show rip-off, unless HBO has a fetish for all things unfunny, hateful, and boring.
Milo Yiannopoulos thinks trans men and women should have violence inflicted on them. Milo Yiannopoulos thinks Black men and women should have violence inflicted on them. Milo Yiannopoulos thinks that anyone who’s not Milo Yiannopoulos, Donald Trump (sorry: daddy), a fan of Milo Yiannopoulos, or a boring conservative, cisgender, heterosexual, white man should have violence inflicted on them. Milo Yiannopoulos only likes you if you’re as boring as he is.
Don’t stand up for Milo Yiannopoulos. Don’t pretend you know about the First Amendment, or about discourse, or about what it feels like to live in a world whose very molecules seem to threaten your life. Milo Yiannopoulos would never stand up for you. Because, he’s timid. He’s cowardly. He’s boring. Shout out to how boring Milo Yiannopoulos is.
I have a theory. I think the day that Milo Yiannopoulos finally realizes how desperate he is, it will be his worst day. I think the day that Milo Yiannopoulos finally realizes how boring he is, it will be his worst day. I think that when Milo Yiannopoulos realizes (with the help of everyone who will, hopefully, STOP BOOKING HIM ON THEIR MOTHERFUCKING SHOWS) how little he has ever amounted to; how no amount of back-patting for trolling, baiting (wait…I thought the only people who baited were Black people who want shows that showcase their actual experiences?), or provoking it will be a bad day in MILO land.
When Milo Yiannopoulos finally realizes how boring he is it will break his fat black boring heart. When Milo Yiannopoulos finally realizes how boring he is it will kill him.
Mary, Mother of God, I cannot wait for that day.