My parents moved away from my hometown earlier this year. Now, I’m going to be spending the summer in this new city. Do you have any advice for having a good summer away from friends?
—Friendless Freshman ’19
Did you even SEE “Twilight??” Here is a quick recap: Bella Swan is a total nobody in Arizona and then she moves to Forks, Washington and enchants the most handsome boy at school. He turns out to be a vampire! The takeaway: New places offer great ways to reinvent yourself. You change so much your freshman year anyway that being in the town where you grew up is just a constant reminder that you used to go to high school and were really immature. In this new place you can be COLLEGE YOU, which simply has to be better that whatever bullshit you were in high school. Also, use this summer as a chance to go on road trips and visit your college friends. Visiting real-life homes of college friends is really fun and you get to see what nerds they were in high school and never worry that they’ll see that side of you, because your parents moved!! Win-win.
What do I do if my friends are telling me that everything is fine between us but I know they are just afraid of confrontation?
You pretty much answered the question already so I don’t know why you even sent this in. If something is wrong and they are avoiding it, you’ve got to deal with it. Otherwise that shit festers and becomes infected and you die or at least those friendships aren’t ever as good as they were again. Bring it up in a nice way, but don’t be scared of confrontation.
I have friends—maybe not as many as I’d like, but enough—but they really don’t roll in the same group and they have nothing in common and are pretty awkward overall. When I’m with them all together, I feel like I need to play babysitter rather than getting to enjoy myself. Is there anyway to make events—like, my birthday party, going to shows, etc.—a little less horrifying?
We play a similar game, you and I. Here’s my move: keep those spheres separate. Never let your boyfriend meet your best friend, never go to dinner with more than one person, never host a pregame where it seems like you’d need to invite people. Birthday parties aren’t for everyone; I go out to dinner like four times with different people and honestly it is a lot more fun than nannying a birthday party where people aren’t jelling. Go to shows with a designated show person and say “Hey” to people you like and know but don’t worry if you’re not constantly surrounded by a group.
I’ve been getting behind in one of my classes and my professor won’t accept any of my sexual advances. What do I do?
—Frisky and Failing ’18
Honestly if I knew, I’d be on far better academic footing so you’re going to have to help me with this one.
I really want to have a baby, but my boyfriend doesn’t. I’ve already stopped taking my birth control, but my boyfriend insists we wear condoms. Should I convince him not to, or just poke holes in them?
—Fertile Myrtle ’16
Have you considered adoption or foster parenting? I’m so dead serious. My sig oth (significant other) didn’t want kids and I was losing my damn mind because I’m 21 and READY FOR A BABY, so I just started reading lots of blogs and articles about adoption and fostering. In many ways the fires were just more fueled, but when looking at amazing foster kids who need a family, I thought, I would be a shitty family to a kid right now. I came to terms with the idea that being adopted by me would probably not be a great thing for a foster kid, so I decided to just work on my shit until I can be the wonderful mom that every child deserves. Also, PSA: your boyfriend probably isn’t that great, so don’t do anything too nuts for that sperm. Although convincing a boyfriend not to wear a condom is like convincing a dog to eat a ton of hot, greasy bacon. IT IS REALLY EASY. So maybe dig deeper into that one.
I started thinking about the inevitability of death and how there is no god or afterlife. How do I deal with the existential void and still manage to pass my classes?
—Lost and Alone ’16
Honestly, the existential void should make you do better in class. You’ve got nothing going on after this life, so buckle down and study! What else are you going to do? Good deeds to accumulate karma? No need, suckers. Focus on you and your coursework and quit bitching about existentialism.
Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night after the same nightmare. It’s Wesfest, I’m listening to an a cappella concert in Zelnick but suddenly the songs turn into high-pitched shrieks. The prefrosh encircle me with black eyes, foam coming from their mouths. Their bodies contort and melt into lumpy piglike creatures and join the shrieking. Rain is pounding on the glass walls and then suddenly the rain turns into blood. The shrieking is methodical and pulsing. I try to open the doors but they’re locked. The prefrosh get closer and melt into a single form that envelops me, I suffocate, I scream but nothing is louder than their high-pitched noises. I scratch and flail but everything goes black and then I wake up, screaming still in my ears. So, what are some tips to make my meals and points last through the end of the semester?
—Hungry Hannah ’19
This probably means you should go to fewer a cappella shows, because that shit is overrated. To quote my Tinder bio, “I don’t like a capella but I do like talking about my dad.” Don’t you want to be more like me?