Hey! You! Yeah, you with the to-go cup. I have a question. What are you drinking? “Just a coffee,” you say? Well, I’m sorry, my friend, but I’m afraid you’ve made a mistake. In fact, drinking that is a horrible, no good, very bad mistake.  I think it would be best if you threw that cup away and came with me. Don’t give me that look. Do it!

Now, you seem confused, and honestly, I don’t blame you. I’m a rather strange and imposing sort of individual. Let me introduce myself. I’m Nicole. Though you should know that I prefer to go by my nickname, Tea-ana, Guardian of the Teas. My job is to spread the dogma of tea supremacy to all of Wesleyan.

I’m sorry, what’s that? Oh. You want to know where we’re going. Well, fortunately, the answer to that question is right in front of you. Here we are at Pi Café, Wesleyan’s pilgrimage site for comfort drinks. But not so fast! Before you order a drink, I’m going to take a moment to explain the tenets of tea supremacy. Essentially, tea supremacy is a lifestyle; the guiding principle is that tea, quite simply, is better than all other beverages. Especially coffee.

Take a moment to picture your worst nightmare of a night: the sky is black; your desk is strewn with books; and your evening is overrun with stress, angst, and schoolwork. What could possibly relieve you in these dire straits? Coffee? Oh, no. That stimulant is the last thing you want.

It is true that coffee, with its high caffeine content and variety of flavors, has its benefits for the overbooked college student. But, in reality, tea can serve a wider range of purposes and, for the most part, is a far more advantageous alternative.

Certain teas, namely the black and green varieties, actually contain a considerable amount of caffeine and are more than capable of perking up a fatigued student in hir time of need. As a matter of fact, tea actually produces a high that lasts longer than coffee.  Conversely, other kinds of herbal blends have de-stressing effects and are able to stop things like work-induced anxiety in their tracks.

These advantages are only enhanced by the beverage’s endless range of health benefits. With their many herbs, antioxidants, and spices, some tea blends have been shown to ward off disease, support the immune system, and even strengthen our bones. Also, unlike coffee, which has been proven to dehydrate the body, tea is able to replace any fluids lost throughout the course of the day. Aside from all this, it is a known fact that tea, as the drink of the Brits, is as classy as it gets.

Now, my friend, are you convinced? I see you eyeing that Darjeeling tea over the counter. Go forth, then! Tea time is of the essence.