Kim Kardashian Files for Divorce After 72 Days

Is this good? Is it bad? It is certainly amusing. Personally, my favorite part of the saga has been Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner, saying that New Jersey Nets power forward Kris Humphries would be an “Indian giver” to take back Kim’s two million dollar wedding ring. No, wait. My favorite part are the couples’ differing statements:

Kim: “After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best.”

Kris: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce. I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

Dude, sucks for you. Also, doesn’t anyone else find it strange that Kim’s mother and her husband have the same first name?

Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard Divorce

This, on the other hand, is very good news. It was an indie darling match made in heaven: woodland creatures followed her around and help with household chores, he shed a single tear whenever someone stepped on a bug.  Now, alas, we’re too apathetic and jaded to care that it’s over (or maybe we’ve been secretly biding our time all along). The benevolent overlords of cuteness Deschanel, of “500 Days of Summer” and general adorableness fame, and Gibbard, of some northwestern band of sensitive, bearded-dudes fame, went their separate ways this week. Wesleyan alternative men in their young 20’s rejoice. Let the race begin.

Bieber is a Baby Daddy

In more exciting news, a 20-year- old woman has recently slammed tween star Justin Bieber with a paternity suit, claiming that they had relations backstage at one of his show’s last year and that the young star is the father of her three-month-old son. Bieber’s reps are frantically denying these claims, and apparently the woman in question has been receiving death threats from “Beliebers,” the artist’s fanatic fan base. Personally, I hope that it’s true. That would be hilarious.

J.K. Rowling Says She Would Have Killed Ron

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two” is being released on DVD Nov. 11 and, in preparation, Warner Brothers has been teasing clips from a bonus documentary included in the film’s special features. By far the most controversial is the one in which Rowling admits that at one point she seriously considered killing Ron. WTF J.K.? Just because he’s poor doesn’t mean he’s expendable.

 

MTV Picks Up J. Lo’s New Series

We still care about MTV? We still care about J. Lo? Huh.

Clive Barker Releases Long-Awaited Third Installment of “Abarat” Series

I don’t know how many of you started this delightfully surreal trilogy whilst you were in Middle School, but I was totally into it. I devoured the first two books, “Abarat,” released in 2002, and “Days of Magic, Nights of War,” released in 2005 and was eagerly anticipating the third and final installment…which never came. I had given up on the book, assuming it would never be published. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I saw “Abarat: Absolute Midnight,” sitting quietly on a bookstore shelf. I thought to myself, “What the fuck?” Apparently, it was released with zero fanfare back in September. I waited six years for this. Why didn’t anyone tell me? My 14 year old self is soooo excited.

David Lynch Preps Terrifyingly-Titled Solo Album

Things visionary film auteur David Lynch likes: unsettling suburban activities,  shaky lighting in dank hallways, terrible sci-fi epics, menstruating chickens, and, apparently, indie pop. The fucked-up mind behind some of the most unnerving and surreal movies of the past few decades (see “Eraserhead,” “Blue Velvet,” “Mullholland Drive”), is prepping his debut album of fractured electronic pop music. With a name like “Crazy Clown Time,” its about as Lynchian (read “batshit crazy”) as you can get. The songs are… well, they’re kind of weird, what did you expect? Of the two singles, “Good Day Today” bops along on a twisted disco shuffle and mangled vocal line, while “Pinky’s Dream” features the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Karen O whooping, shrieking, and breathing heavy all over the place. And so the David Lynch crazy train rumbles on.