c/o b4teanews.blogspot.com

We all have our guilty pleasures. There are a few mindlessly entertaining things that I have a certain fondness for: Cosmopolitan, “True Blood,” The Food Network, “Dawson’s Creek,” Britney Spears…okay, maybe more than a few. But the honorable title of my longest-running guilty pleasure has to go to “America’s Next Top Model,” currently in its 17th(!) season on the CW.

If you’ve never seen an episode of “America’s Next Top Model,” known to fans as ANTM, here’s the gist: former Victoria’s Secret model Tyra Banks leads 12-14 girls aged 18-24 and taller than 5’7” into the often ridiculous world of international high-fashion modeling. The girls are forced to complete an odd and highly entertaining series of somewhat fashion-related tasks, such as walking in a hamster-ball type plastic bubble down a one-foot wide runway suspended on top of a pool. (This actually happened. It was awesome).

There are certain elements that appear in every episode and every season. In every episode, the girls must compete in a small challenge related to the theme of the episode (public relations, runway walking, styling,) in which they can win prizes. Afterwards, they participate in a photo shoot that determines “who must pack their bags and go home.” In each season, all of the contestants live in a fantastically lavish mansion, either in New York or Los Angeles, before they move to some equally lavish home in a foreign country with an important fashion industry. The best episode of every season by far is the makeover episode, in which Tyra inevitably cuts off all of someone’s precious hair, and someone has a meltdown.

The reason ANTM is so darn watchable has nothing to do with the skill of the contestants. The point of ANTM seems to be that none of the girls have any modeling experience prior to their being cast on the show. Instead, Tyra grades on passion for the art of modeling and a photogenic face, though she may say otherwise. Although many of the bottom-level contestants promise to practice for hours in the mirror to understand their own faces, they never seem to improve significantly. You’ve either “got it,” or you don’t, and even if they’ve “got it,” they don’t really seem to have any real talent. No ANTM winners have really gone on to international superstardom, although several losers have gone on to successful careers in modeling. (For example, Toccara, the first plus-sized model on the show who was a contestant in cycle three, pops up all the time in both commercial and high-fashion campaigns.) Cycle 11 contestant Analeigh Tipton was highly praised for her performance in this summer’s “Crazy Stupid Love.”

The point of ANTM is not who wins. The point is to watch the insane things that the poor girls are asked to do in the carnival-esque atmosphere that Tyra and her minions Mr. Jay and Ms. J cultivate on the show. Last cycle (Cycle 16), the hosts played a cruel trick on their contestants. At the beginning of each season, Tyra separates her semi-finalists from her finalists through a two-day marathon of interviews with the judges. Last cycle, she told those who didn’t make it that they were the finalists and the actual finalists that they had to go home. When the real finalists were ushered off the set, they found themselves inside the ANTM mansion and Tyra revealed to the weeping group that they had actually made it. What happened to those who thought they were finalists and weren’t? No one knows. If that’s not good TV, I don’t know what is.

ANTM’s biggest asset is Tyra Banks. Tyra is not only the host—she is also the creator and executive producer of the show, which is really just an introduction into her universe. She is responsible for both the show’s longevity and its forays into absurd cheesiness. Her main advice to models, for example, is to “smile with your eyes,” a vague enough statement to be useful in basically every situation. In a later season, Tyra shortened this statement to “smizing.” When she doesn’t push her insanity too far, Tyra is unbelievably entertaining to watch.

Tyra also cultivates a maternal-like affection for the girls of each cycle. As a counterpoint to Heidi’s cold demeanor on “Project Runway,” Tyra situates herself as both mentor and judge of the girls. She gives them hugs at every available opportunity and constantly reminds them of their beauty, even when she is about to send one of them home. Her elimination line is, “Two beautiful girls stand before me, but only one can continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.” Unlike some of the other judges, Tyra doesn’t harp on the girls’ body issues and roots for the plus-sized models despite what others say.

And have I mentioned the other judges? ANTM judges have gone through much iteration, but Tyra and British photographer Nigel Barker have been there since the beginning. By far the most entertaining (and malicious) judge was “the world’s first supermodel,” Janice Dickinson, but other famous fashion folk who have appeared as regular judges include Kimora Lee Simmons (designer of Baby Phat), former modeling icons Paulina Porizkova and Twiggy, as well as current judge, former Vogue editor-at-large, André Leon Tally. The judges have some excellently funny criticism, such as Janice Dickinson’s line in Cycle 1: “You look like you escaped from a mental institution. This is the worst photograph I have ever seen. Your arms look amputated, your legs look amputated, and it looks like you have a penis. Sorry.” Priceless.

Of course the models themselves provide the usual reality show pettiness and drama that makes for good cheap entertainment. This cycle of ANTM is “America’s Next Top Model: All Stars.” All your favorite kooky characters from previous cycles are back with a vengeance, such as Lisa D’Amato from Cycle 6, who has apparently tried to succeed in music and whose music video “Ace of Spades” is a to-die-for train wreck, or my personal favorite past contestant, doe-eyed Allison Harvard from Cycle 12 who makes up for what she lacks in personality in doll-like physical charm. This cycle airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on the CW. You should be watching. I will be.